Belonging... Never Alone

Belong... We use this word a lot in our lifestyles and thoughts. We say things like "I don't belong in a job like this," or "He is too big-city-minded to belong in a town so quiet," or "I wish I truly felt like I belonged somewhere." This last one is a pattern easily adopted into our thinking. "I wish I belonged somewhere." It's a sad, hopeless statement, especially when doubt settles in to the point where this thought becomes, "I'm afraid I'll never belong to anyone or anywhere." This one also, if we're not careful, is easily adopted into our thinking and can hurt us.

Sometimes, our hearts drift toward concepts that cause us hurt: sometimes things happen and we may feel like outcasts, or like wanderers looking for the next thing, or like we don't fit in quite well, uncertain and afraid of identity, or just lonely. Since I have been about sharing and being open, here is another layer of my heart that has been shed, but now will be made public: I struggled with questions and doubts of belonging. I somehow had adopted it into my thinking so smoothly, I barely noticed it was there. It had become so deeply rooted into my thoughts, it became normal to feel insecure in these questions. I didn't realize how much these lies and doubts had led me into a trap... until a friend sat me down and told me to be careful with my association with those ideas and that she'd been praying against those thoughts in me. Wow. What was awesome was that I hadn't even told her about this struggle. I had covered it up, not even thinking there was anything wrong with it. But there I was exposed before my friend and held accountable. What was huge is my eyes were opened as she talked with me. I had allowed those ideas to hurt my heart, but was lifted and encouraged as she said in truth, "You belong. You're a child of God... You are part of the Body." 

Satan loves for us to feel alone or like wanderers, because it can cut us off from our fellow brothers and sisters of the Body... and that's just what he wants. But we belong. Belong... The truth settled in as my friend spoke that to me. No matter what the circumstance, no matter how insecure we may feel at times, if we are sealed in Christ, we are part of the Body. We are held together as one, no matter what. Some things may not be permanent as we are taken into different seasons and times, but the truth is we are never alone. Not alone, not outcasts, not rejects. Wrapped in this concept the mind is allowed to be free and healthy. I belong, you belong, we belong. 

Another thing... When our minds are in this, we are free in love and peace. And we need to act in this freedom and reach out to our brothers and sisters in love. Love. Love is the greatest gift, and there are plenty of opportunities to love as we have been loved. Sealed in love, we are together, never alone.

The Smile: Two Meanings?

In my dealings with people (and my dealings with myself), I have come to realize that a smile can have two meanings. While I'm no expert on human behavior, I yearn for a discerning spirit as I interact with people. So here is what is bouncing around in my brain about The Smile.

The Smile's two meanings.

1.) It can denote the inner feelings of true happiness as a radiance of outward expression, or of loving expression towards others (friendliness). This is the one we are familiar with, the one we expect.

or....

2.) It can actually be an inner cry for help, disguised as a mask of sorts.

Picturing this, I just wonder how many times I have passed by a smiling face and mistook it for a playful countenance or The "I'm doing just great" Face... I wonder how many times I have passed by an opportunity to simply ask, "How are you doing?" from genuine concern. Something I have seen burst from these alleged "Mask-Wearers" is a pleasant surprise if they happen to be caught wearing the fake smile (used to cover up feelings of hurt) and have been asked how they really are doing. They don't expect to be discovered, but somehow deep down, I think they were yearning to be noticed and are happy someone saw beyond the lie. Remembering this, I wonder how many others have expected me to see the truth behind their mask, and were they upset if I missed it? Turning this on myself, I also wonder how many times have I put on this "mask" and expected others to see the truth behind it? 

This digs down into a deeper thought level... I think there could be different answers to this, but two I'm pondering at the moment are the duties of the "Mask-Wearer" and of the "Truth-Seeker". 

1.) If we are the "Mask-Wearer" (aka the ones wearing the fake smile to cover up pain), it is perfectly human to remove the mask and be ourselves. That is our duty. Masks are unhealthy for us and everyone around us because they conceal the truth. Something I have seen, too, is that if we wear the "mask" long enough, we boil over and eventually explode.

2.) What I'm about to write next has two points... If we are the "Truth-Seeker" (aka someone who has a gift in seeing beyond what is there, the gift of discernment), I think we should remember to "bear one another's burdens". On the other hand, I don't think it's our duty to save everyone wearing masks. We can ask by prayer what our role should be when interacting with these people.

In essence, whether we're the one wearing the mask or the one that sees beyond another's mask, I think our duties can be summed up to an old lesson. Maybe you heard it as a 1st grader sitting in Miss Betty's Sunday School class...

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

~The Golden Rule, taken from Luke 6:31

Hmmm, something to ponder. Any thoughts?

Confessions of A 21-year old Drama Queen

The title is well-suited. I am currently 21, an age I don't announce often, and I am a Drama Queen. Why have I kept my age hidden until now? Somehow I'd convinced myself that in order to be successful as a person, business person, whatever the heck I try to be, that being young is somehow inferior in a world of older professionals. That is a lie and I love truth. This thought process is about to change. I found myself thinking recently that I must celebrate youth and stop being such an age snob.


Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity. ~1 Timothy 4:12


So "Drama Queen"... I don't like that title, and I'm not proud of it at all, but this blog entry is about honesty and telling it like it is, so I'm not going to sugarcoat the problem. Drama Queen... (ouch.) So here comes the real confession time of what has happened to me the past 6 months. It is not pretty. Brace yourself as I brace myself to lay down my pride.


I have become sick. It started in October when I decided to rearrange my career ideals a bit and somehow I became so wrapped up in my goals I lost myself. The mind is a strange thing... I started suffering spiritually, mentally, and physically. I stressed out, always running to the next job, studying, making "to-do lists"... I was striving so hard to please others and to be proud of myself that I literally started wasting away... I lost a lot of weight, and people started asking if I was okay. My hair started falling out in big chunks. I had tension in my neck and shoulders, so I was in pain often. Many begged me to go to the doctor, but I was too stubborn. And my ridiculous process continued and quickly worsened. It was like I was killing myself slowly. 


As I'm admitting this, I have tears in my eyes. I want others to know, to be warned, and I want to beg them not to do what I did. I had withered away to 107 lbs. As a 5 ft 7", athletic dancer, that is WAY to little! I remember the first time I saw how tiny my body had become. I looked in the mirror one day while I was teaching ballet, and it's like my eyes were opened to reality. My muscles had gone away, bones were sticking out, and it hurt to dance. My JOB hurt! My passion for dance withered away because physically it had become too stressful on my fragile body. I continued working as a dance instructor, but slowly rehearsing my own dreams at the studio became more of a chore than a desire. Even with my Illusion learning, I suffered. What started out as something I just wanted to do quickly became something I felt I HAD to do, like just another item on the "to do list". When I lost passion for my goals, FEAR possessed me. I did not know what I was doing, and was afraid I wouldn't figure it out. It was a deadening... a limbo of sorts. Questions haunted me and I felt close to worthless. My mentors and my family became extremely worried as they saw me metaphorically drowning, because I still was very thin and wasn't gaining weight, though I tried desperately to gain. The pounds simply wouldn't come back, and my hair had thinned considerably. Chronic fatigue set in. Headaches pushed into my skull everyday. Pain in my neck made itself more prominent, an obvious injury... Depression settled in, and pressure to pursue my dreams only drove me deeper into a hole. 


Answers and Dealing With Truth:
To sum this up: stress, pride, and an injury was the cause of the past few months being so dark. I am under treatment with Dr. Josh Axe of Exodus Health Center, and already I am feeling better. Mentally, I am chilling for now, focusing on my Lord, Who makes the darkness come to light. As my body is healing itself, I'm focusing on healing my mind... Stress that is self-inflicted is dangerous. As I rid that monster out of me, it is a bittersweet time. I am making myself take a sabbatical, a welcome break. I hurt, I cry, and for the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to feel those emotions without masquerading them. I still dream but I am just being in the present, enjoying the lifted spirit I am getting back. 


Hope is returning. My passion for dance and teaching is returning. I just want to tell others not to do what I did, especially young adults and teens. Society already puts enough pressure on us, and we don't need to add anything on ourselves. Yes, doctors found a neck injury and a Vitamin D deficiency that is being corrected, but I could have handled my mind a lot better. Making unrealistic demands on myself is not what my God called me into. He specifically told me to be FREE and tell others to be free. The chains I have been putting on myself to be perfect and successful had made me a hypocrite and disobedient to His calling on my life. For this I am so sorry... to my Lord, to my friends, to my family. I say "No more". I have a message, a voice, and it needs to be heard. I will not allow my own junk to silence this voice anymore. I am healing. :)


If you are reading this, please don't do what I did. You don't have to be perfect. Success is not all it's measured to be, especially if it makes you sick! Pursue dreams, chase your goals, but know your strengths, your bounds. Push, but don't break. Learn the balance of being the best you can be without demanding unrealistic ideals upon yourself... I am learning this and am re-creating my life to be shaped in a new priority fashion. 


Much love, in peace...
Lindsey