We live in a world where the answer to the common question, "how are you" is almost always so predictably said, "Good---you?" We all do it. It is what is expected. It is professional. Imagine getting costumer service and you asked how the professional was doing and they answered, "I've had the worst day. In fact my whole life is a mess right now, and I'd really rather not be at work talking you. " We would scoff and say this person is unprofessional, when actually they only told you the honest answer to the question you asked.
It is also easier: easier on both the listener and the proclaimer. My husband said a few weeks ago about how he is curious to know when people ask how he's doing if they are wanting the full story about his week or are they just expecting a quick, easy answer: "Good." We are fast-paced Americans, and we take the easiest, shortest way out in communication. The scary part is that while all this is happening, masks are on and our pain and anger are buried. Yes, we bury it. An alternative doctor told me something a couple months ago that kicked me on a journey to healing some really deep emotional wounds. He said that I am a "very emotionally charged lady", and I feel angry and need to express an opinion or two, yet I bury that emotion straight down to my organs. And many do this. Can you imagine what can happen to an angry liver after a while? Or an angry kidney? (Let's be adults and not mention what could happen to an angry colon.) We all have have pain that needs to be healed. It is an unavoidable fact of living.
Yet we have another, perhaps bigger problem. If we believe we will be judged, scolded, or misunderstood for our pain---instead of bringing it to the surface to release it--- we hide it and our bodies take the brunt of fighting it. Babies don't do this. They scream and kick when something bothers them, yet when they are older we tell them to calm down, to cut it out. Yet what are we training them to do? Are we training the child to bury what is bothering them and pretend it doesn't exist, or are we training them to manage their problem? That is a huge difference in how we handle our own problems: deny or manage.
Another problem we have, which is another form of burying, is denying the significance of what hurts us. Someone very wise told me once to never make the mistake in assuming that other people's painful story is greater and more significant than my own pain, which was quite opposite to what I was taught growing up in society. If we look at our neighbor and think they have been through worse than us, so therefore we should "suck it up and go on like nothing happened", we have robbed ourselves the joy of being set free. It is like a proud captain of a ship hearing from one of his men that there is hole below deck with water pouring in and the captain saying, "never mind that. We will be fine," and all the while the boat is sinking slowly. "Well," we think, "he must be an idiot to ignore a warning like that," yet in real life we ignore warnings our own hearts give us. We are keeping ourselves from healing by not acknowledging, understanding, and releasing our pain. This becomes very dangerous, because somewhere deep inside is a fear-based emotion, and fear is not a healing agent at all. We must love ourselves enough to not bury our pain, to not hide our hurts.
I am not only writing to an audience, but also to myself. I have hurts that I buried and it turned to anger, and I realized where anger rests there is a fear that the hurt will happen again. I did not acknowledge this overnight. It took time, understanding, talking to people, and reading to understand it existed in me. So what route will I take to get rid of it? The "Denial Route" or what I call the "AURM Route"? The route that does not heal but pretends the problem isn't there, or the route that does heal but takes more work? I am choosing the "AURM", a word I made up for the healing process: Acknowledge the hurt, Understand the hurt, Release the hurt, Manage whatever is left over, even if that means repeating the process. For me, this also means the process of working through a lot of forgiveness.
What would our society look like if we were honest about how we truly were doing? The honesty I mention goes beyond what we tell other people. but also very much what we tell ourselves. It sounds terrifying, doesn't it? It sounds exhausting. It sounds like being more responsible. It sounds like healing instead of wasting time being miserable. As de Mello would say, it sounds like "Waking up".
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Girl In The Mirror: Body Image and Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
The director of our learning conservatory, a few students, and I had a wonderful opportunity of spending a weekend in Chicago this month with the famous Giordano Jazz Dance Chicago company at a workshop they hosted in their historic studio. First I must state that the Giordano people are truly some of the nicest dance professionals I've met. They should be proud of themselves for staying top of the line, yet staying true to beauty in conduction of human communications. I am really wanting to return to Chicago to take more classes under their name.
One thing that happened over the weekend was a very surreal realization. The "skinny dancer" fad is no longer in place. I knew that before, but it came even more to life when I was speaking with Nan Giordano herself about how I had become sick and had lost weight. She, with much concern and care, said as she looked down at my thin frame, "You need more meat on your bones." I loved it! As I stood there hearing her, I thought of countless girls who think they're overweight as dancers. I also thought of myself as a young teen and my struggles.
When I was 14, I battled poor eating habits because I thought I was too fat... instead of taking a healthy approach, I started eating all the time. Ironically, as that young teenager trying so hard to be accepted as a dancer, I gained weight in my fear of being overweight. Also in a growth spurt, my muscles expanded rapidly before my bones knew what to do with them. My legs were like rocks and I felt "chunky"... devastating to an aspiring ballet dancer. I was a sneaky kid, and never told anyone my feelings so my unhealthy habits were unnoticed... (Horrible.) It happened again at 18 when I was injured on and off for nearly a whole year and fell into depression, thinking I could never dance again. I turned to food for comfort: again, some weight gain, but only drastic in my own mind... For the most part, I generally was pretty good at waving fads all into the breeze to just strive to be healthy, and besides those two hiccups in dieting history, I've had relatively uneventful "weight drama" in my dancing years... Yet this past year, I lost way too much weight and became tiny against my will. I wasn't starving myself at all and sought medical help as to why I was loosing weight without trying. I'm much better now as doctors are keeping an eye on it, yet still I'm too thin.
It's funny how times change... just years ago, Balanchine had it set that dancers were thin and frail-looking, and that was "beautiful". Now dance has turned to the "healthy athletic look". I don't really care about fads, but what is healthy, and I want my students to know and believe that about themselves. I tried twice obsessing over food: it doesn't work and only hurts you more as a dancer and individual person. Strive for health, and you'll get it right. Nan Giordano likes healthy, and I like her for her honesty.
Now excuse me while I go eat a burger....
One thing that happened over the weekend was a very surreal realization. The "skinny dancer" fad is no longer in place. I knew that before, but it came even more to life when I was speaking with Nan Giordano herself about how I had become sick and had lost weight. She, with much concern and care, said as she looked down at my thin frame, "You need more meat on your bones." I loved it! As I stood there hearing her, I thought of countless girls who think they're overweight as dancers. I also thought of myself as a young teen and my struggles.
When I was 14, I battled poor eating habits because I thought I was too fat... instead of taking a healthy approach, I started eating all the time. Ironically, as that young teenager trying so hard to be accepted as a dancer, I gained weight in my fear of being overweight. Also in a growth spurt, my muscles expanded rapidly before my bones knew what to do with them. My legs were like rocks and I felt "chunky"... devastating to an aspiring ballet dancer. I was a sneaky kid, and never told anyone my feelings so my unhealthy habits were unnoticed... (Horrible.) It happened again at 18 when I was injured on and off for nearly a whole year and fell into depression, thinking I could never dance again. I turned to food for comfort: again, some weight gain, but only drastic in my own mind... For the most part, I generally was pretty good at waving fads all into the breeze to just strive to be healthy, and besides those two hiccups in dieting history, I've had relatively uneventful "weight drama" in my dancing years... Yet this past year, I lost way too much weight and became tiny against my will. I wasn't starving myself at all and sought medical help as to why I was loosing weight without trying. I'm much better now as doctors are keeping an eye on it, yet still I'm too thin.
It's funny how times change... just years ago, Balanchine had it set that dancers were thin and frail-looking, and that was "beautiful". Now dance has turned to the "healthy athletic look". I don't really care about fads, but what is healthy, and I want my students to know and believe that about themselves. I tried twice obsessing over food: it doesn't work and only hurts you more as a dancer and individual person. Strive for health, and you'll get it right. Nan Giordano likes healthy, and I like her for her honesty.
Now excuse me while I go eat a burger....
Eating Chicago Deep Dish Pizza... never skip that when you're in Chicago!
Us from TDAC with Nan Giordano
Friday, April 15, 2011
Superhuman or Curse? Dealing With Sensory Processing Disorders
Ready to dive into a mystery of the brain and five senses? Below are a few questions to ask yourself. Do you know anyone experiencing these characteristics, including yourself?
-Feelings of being overwhelmed by the visual (such as flashing lights) or auditory stimuli? This
overwhelmed feeling can be as dramatic as thoughts of sheer panic.
-Easily startled by loud noises, "shut down", or become very nervous in settings where loud music is
constant or loud talking is present?
-Extremely sensitive to textures or touch? (Do seams of socks bother you? Do some fabrics simply drive
you crazy?)
-Trouble sleeping after being on the computer or watching TV?
-Unrelated to hormonal changes, are you hot or cold when others seem comfortable?
-Tolerance to Pain?
-Ability to smell something before others can?
-Incredibly in tune or seemingly unaware to bodily needs? (Such as, frankly, needing to urinate or
frequent hunger, or lack thereof?)
-Easily Distracted?
-Can't be still and need to always be moving?
-Been labeled as "unsocial" or misunderstood because you tend to withdraw socially?
If you answered yes to any of these, read on. You are not alone: it could be very well a Sensory Processing Disorder, a condition in which the brain does not organize signals from the senses into appropriate responses. This is why certain sounds, smells, visual stimuli (such as flashing lights), textures, etc. can range from unbearable to a mere annoyance. Sometimes persons with an SPD only experiences 1 of the 5 sensory effects, such as they only experience sensitivity to sound while all other senses are normal. Sometimes the brain takes in information about the hazard of signals and misfires, which is why the person's "fight or flight" reaction can be heightened to unreasonable actions. This is why it can be easy to startle a person with an SPD by simply tapping them on the shoulder. Senses can either be hypersenstive or hyposensitive. Sensory Processing Disorders are most commonly diagnosed in children, but adults can also suffer with symptoms. Sometimes it is "hidden" and goes undetected, and labeled as "quirky" or, sadly, wrongly diagnosed. Yet when proper treatment has been given, these adults are completely functioning but they may occasionally feel the annoyances these symptoms can exude.
I am a functioning and "normal" adult, though I myself occasionally experience some hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity pertaining to the senses that causes some annoyance, rather than trauma or disability. While I haven't been diagnosed by doctors, as my symptoms are mild and not very dramatic, I know how the sensations from an SPD can cause feelings of insecurity. As a child, I frequently felt overwhelmed at parties or other areas where loud talking or loud music was present. As a teenager, I found myself emotionally shutting down after prolonged exposure to auditory stimuli. Also, my friends found my startled over-reaction and devastation entertaining if they hid behind doors and jumped out to scare me. (Comical, I'll admit.) People have also been surprised at my high tolerance to physical pain. In the end, I have learned to cope with these hyposensitivities and hypersensitivities. It is normal to me.
Learning to cope also meant learning the value of recharging in periodic isolation. Finding value in being quiet and still meant discovering the ability to be stronger in public. However, even today, if I'm exposed in really loud settings for a long period of time, I "zone out" or become increasingly nervous and have a hard time carrying on conversation. While it's a little quirky, I know I'm not socially awkward. It's just my nerves have become overloaded and it's time to take a rest to recharge the "emotional batteries".
If you or someone you know has an SPD, there is value in finding comfort in occasional peaceful solitude. You need it to recharge, and don't let others condemn you for being "unsocial". Even Jesus Himself sought solitude. "... and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray." Luke 5:15-16
Just don't stay in solitude for too long. :)
-Feelings of being overwhelmed by the visual (such as flashing lights) or auditory stimuli? This
overwhelmed feeling can be as dramatic as thoughts of sheer panic.
-Easily startled by loud noises, "shut down", or become very nervous in settings where loud music is
constant or loud talking is present?
-Extremely sensitive to textures or touch? (Do seams of socks bother you? Do some fabrics simply drive
you crazy?)
-Trouble sleeping after being on the computer or watching TV?
-Unrelated to hormonal changes, are you hot or cold when others seem comfortable?
-Tolerance to Pain?
-Ability to smell something before others can?
-Incredibly in tune or seemingly unaware to bodily needs? (Such as, frankly, needing to urinate or
frequent hunger, or lack thereof?)
-Easily Distracted?
-Can't be still and need to always be moving?
-Been labeled as "unsocial" or misunderstood because you tend to withdraw socially?
If you answered yes to any of these, read on. You are not alone: it could be very well a Sensory Processing Disorder, a condition in which the brain does not organize signals from the senses into appropriate responses. This is why certain sounds, smells, visual stimuli (such as flashing lights), textures, etc. can range from unbearable to a mere annoyance. Sometimes persons with an SPD only experiences 1 of the 5 sensory effects, such as they only experience sensitivity to sound while all other senses are normal. Sometimes the brain takes in information about the hazard of signals and misfires, which is why the person's "fight or flight" reaction can be heightened to unreasonable actions. This is why it can be easy to startle a person with an SPD by simply tapping them on the shoulder. Senses can either be hypersenstive or hyposensitive. Sensory Processing Disorders are most commonly diagnosed in children, but adults can also suffer with symptoms. Sometimes it is "hidden" and goes undetected, and labeled as "quirky" or, sadly, wrongly diagnosed. Yet when proper treatment has been given, these adults are completely functioning but they may occasionally feel the annoyances these symptoms can exude.
I am a functioning and "normal" adult, though I myself occasionally experience some hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity pertaining to the senses that causes some annoyance, rather than trauma or disability. While I haven't been diagnosed by doctors, as my symptoms are mild and not very dramatic, I know how the sensations from an SPD can cause feelings of insecurity. As a child, I frequently felt overwhelmed at parties or other areas where loud talking or loud music was present. As a teenager, I found myself emotionally shutting down after prolonged exposure to auditory stimuli. Also, my friends found my startled over-reaction and devastation entertaining if they hid behind doors and jumped out to scare me. (Comical, I'll admit.) People have also been surprised at my high tolerance to physical pain. In the end, I have learned to cope with these hyposensitivities and hypersensitivities. It is normal to me.
Learning to cope also meant learning the value of recharging in periodic isolation. Finding value in being quiet and still meant discovering the ability to be stronger in public. However, even today, if I'm exposed in really loud settings for a long period of time, I "zone out" or become increasingly nervous and have a hard time carrying on conversation. While it's a little quirky, I know I'm not socially awkward. It's just my nerves have become overloaded and it's time to take a rest to recharge the "emotional batteries".
If you or someone you know has an SPD, there is value in finding comfort in occasional peaceful solitude. You need it to recharge, and don't let others condemn you for being "unsocial". Even Jesus Himself sought solitude. "... and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray." Luke 5:15-16
Just don't stay in solitude for too long. :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Confessions of A 21-year old Drama Queen
The title is well-suited. I am currently 21, an age I don't announce often, and I am a Drama Queen. Why have I kept my age hidden until now? Somehow I'd convinced myself that in order to be successful as a person, business person, whatever the heck I try to be, that being young is somehow inferior in a world of older professionals. That is a lie and I love truth. This thought process is about to change. I found myself thinking recently that I must celebrate youth and stop being such an age snob.
Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity. ~1 Timothy 4:12
So "Drama Queen"... I don't like that title, and I'm not proud of it at all, but this blog entry is about honesty and telling it like it is, so I'm not going to sugarcoat the problem. Drama Queen... (ouch.) So here comes the real confession time of what has happened to me the past 6 months. It is not pretty. Brace yourself as I brace myself to lay down my pride.
I have become sick. It started in October when I decided to rearrange my career ideals a bit and somehow I became so wrapped up in my goals I lost myself. The mind is a strange thing... I started suffering spiritually, mentally, and physically. I stressed out, always running to the next job, studying, making "to-do lists"... I was striving so hard to please others and to be proud of myself that I literally started wasting away... I lost a lot of weight, and people started asking if I was okay. My hair started falling out in big chunks. I had tension in my neck and shoulders, so I was in pain often. Many begged me to go to the doctor, but I was too stubborn. And my ridiculous process continued and quickly worsened. It was like I was killing myself slowly.
As I'm admitting this, I have tears in my eyes. I want others to know, to be warned, and I want to beg them not to do what I did. I had withered away to 107 lbs. As a 5 ft 7", athletic dancer, that is WAY to little! I remember the first time I saw how tiny my body had become. I looked in the mirror one day while I was teaching ballet, and it's like my eyes were opened to reality. My muscles had gone away, bones were sticking out, and it hurt to dance. My JOB hurt! My passion for dance withered away because physically it had become too stressful on my fragile body. I continued working as a dance instructor, but slowly rehearsing my own dreams at the studio became more of a chore than a desire. Even with my Illusion learning, I suffered. What started out as something I just wanted to do quickly became something I felt I HAD to do, like just another item on the "to do list". When I lost passion for my goals, FEAR possessed me. I did not know what I was doing, and was afraid I wouldn't figure it out. It was a deadening... a limbo of sorts. Questions haunted me and I felt close to worthless. My mentors and my family became extremely worried as they saw me metaphorically drowning, because I still was very thin and wasn't gaining weight, though I tried desperately to gain. The pounds simply wouldn't come back, and my hair had thinned considerably. Chronic fatigue set in. Headaches pushed into my skull everyday. Pain in my neck made itself more prominent, an obvious injury... Depression settled in, and pressure to pursue my dreams only drove me deeper into a hole.
Answers and Dealing With Truth:
To sum this up: stress, pride, and an injury was the cause of the past few months being so dark. I am under treatment with Dr. Josh Axe of Exodus Health Center, and already I am feeling better. Mentally, I am chilling for now, focusing on my Lord, Who makes the darkness come to light. As my body is healing itself, I'm focusing on healing my mind... Stress that is self-inflicted is dangerous. As I rid that monster out of me, it is a bittersweet time. I am making myself take a sabbatical, a welcome break. I hurt, I cry, and for the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to feel those emotions without masquerading them. I still dream but I am just being in the present, enjoying the lifted spirit I am getting back.
Hope is returning. My passion for dance and teaching is returning. I just want to tell others not to do what I did, especially young adults and teens. Society already puts enough pressure on us, and we don't need to add anything on ourselves. Yes, doctors found a neck injury and a Vitamin D deficiency that is being corrected, but I could have handled my mind a lot better. Making unrealistic demands on myself is not what my God called me into. He specifically told me to be FREE and tell others to be free. The chains I have been putting on myself to be perfect and successful had made me a hypocrite and disobedient to His calling on my life. For this I am so sorry... to my Lord, to my friends, to my family. I say "No more". I have a message, a voice, and it needs to be heard. I will not allow my own junk to silence this voice anymore. I am healing. :)
If you are reading this, please don't do what I did. You don't have to be perfect. Success is not all it's measured to be, especially if it makes you sick! Pursue dreams, chase your goals, but know your strengths, your bounds. Push, but don't break. Learn the balance of being the best you can be without demanding unrealistic ideals upon yourself... I am learning this and am re-creating my life to be shaped in a new priority fashion.
Much love, in peace...
Lindsey
Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity. ~1 Timothy 4:12
So "Drama Queen"... I don't like that title, and I'm not proud of it at all, but this blog entry is about honesty and telling it like it is, so I'm not going to sugarcoat the problem. Drama Queen... (ouch.) So here comes the real confession time of what has happened to me the past 6 months. It is not pretty. Brace yourself as I brace myself to lay down my pride.
I have become sick. It started in October when I decided to rearrange my career ideals a bit and somehow I became so wrapped up in my goals I lost myself. The mind is a strange thing... I started suffering spiritually, mentally, and physically. I stressed out, always running to the next job, studying, making "to-do lists"... I was striving so hard to please others and to be proud of myself that I literally started wasting away... I lost a lot of weight, and people started asking if I was okay. My hair started falling out in big chunks. I had tension in my neck and shoulders, so I was in pain often. Many begged me to go to the doctor, but I was too stubborn. And my ridiculous process continued and quickly worsened. It was like I was killing myself slowly.
As I'm admitting this, I have tears in my eyes. I want others to know, to be warned, and I want to beg them not to do what I did. I had withered away to 107 lbs. As a 5 ft 7", athletic dancer, that is WAY to little! I remember the first time I saw how tiny my body had become. I looked in the mirror one day while I was teaching ballet, and it's like my eyes were opened to reality. My muscles had gone away, bones were sticking out, and it hurt to dance. My JOB hurt! My passion for dance withered away because physically it had become too stressful on my fragile body. I continued working as a dance instructor, but slowly rehearsing my own dreams at the studio became more of a chore than a desire. Even with my Illusion learning, I suffered. What started out as something I just wanted to do quickly became something I felt I HAD to do, like just another item on the "to do list". When I lost passion for my goals, FEAR possessed me. I did not know what I was doing, and was afraid I wouldn't figure it out. It was a deadening... a limbo of sorts. Questions haunted me and I felt close to worthless. My mentors and my family became extremely worried as they saw me metaphorically drowning, because I still was very thin and wasn't gaining weight, though I tried desperately to gain. The pounds simply wouldn't come back, and my hair had thinned considerably. Chronic fatigue set in. Headaches pushed into my skull everyday. Pain in my neck made itself more prominent, an obvious injury... Depression settled in, and pressure to pursue my dreams only drove me deeper into a hole.
Answers and Dealing With Truth:
To sum this up: stress, pride, and an injury was the cause of the past few months being so dark. I am under treatment with Dr. Josh Axe of Exodus Health Center, and already I am feeling better. Mentally, I am chilling for now, focusing on my Lord, Who makes the darkness come to light. As my body is healing itself, I'm focusing on healing my mind... Stress that is self-inflicted is dangerous. As I rid that monster out of me, it is a bittersweet time. I am making myself take a sabbatical, a welcome break. I hurt, I cry, and for the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to feel those emotions without masquerading them. I still dream but I am just being in the present, enjoying the lifted spirit I am getting back.
Hope is returning. My passion for dance and teaching is returning. I just want to tell others not to do what I did, especially young adults and teens. Society already puts enough pressure on us, and we don't need to add anything on ourselves. Yes, doctors found a neck injury and a Vitamin D deficiency that is being corrected, but I could have handled my mind a lot better. Making unrealistic demands on myself is not what my God called me into. He specifically told me to be FREE and tell others to be free. The chains I have been putting on myself to be perfect and successful had made me a hypocrite and disobedient to His calling on my life. For this I am so sorry... to my Lord, to my friends, to my family. I say "No more". I have a message, a voice, and it needs to be heard. I will not allow my own junk to silence this voice anymore. I am healing. :)
If you are reading this, please don't do what I did. You don't have to be perfect. Success is not all it's measured to be, especially if it makes you sick! Pursue dreams, chase your goals, but know your strengths, your bounds. Push, but don't break. Learn the balance of being the best you can be without demanding unrealistic ideals upon yourself... I am learning this and am re-creating my life to be shaped in a new priority fashion.
Much love, in peace...
Lindsey
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