New Freedoms, Part One

Lately it seems like I've had one realization after another. One is that I realized that I have a bad attitude about Christmas and need to stop being a scrooge. (My dear John can give account to that realization.) So this Christmas season, I'm tuning in to what Christmas is really about. However, while this was a big step, a bigger one came still, and this one hurt much more than the former. This realization unlocked a memory that I had blocked. The actual memory, I remembered, but the emotional part that of the memory, I had blocked out and not dealt with until recently.

Like any sort of moment of awareness, the sting of the realization came and suddenly memories swept in that I had not considered as a big deal before, but suddenly were placed where they belonged. I remembered not the specific memories, but I remembered the details I had shut out and how they had at the time made me feel... It happened to me as a young girl, and later as a teen, in a situation I didn't understand, and it happened in a Christian setting, specifically in a smaller group of people. I had taken my feelings and bottled them. I had taken hurt and turned it to distrust. Distrust turned into fear, which has made me hide for years.

Eureka!

You may be wondering if I was abused somehow. The answer is no to sexual/physical abuse, yet emotionally and spiritually there was still some damage that I prevented from healing by not recognizing its impact.... until now. I had to get here by looking into a deep, dusty place in my heart that is rarely used or looked at. It hurt to go there, but after was beautiful relief. I had found a big missing piece of a puzzle, and this piece answered my question "why?"... With the puzzle piece getting put it place, it made the picture start to make more sense, as opposed to an awkward gap of unknown. Suddenly, my anxiety in some social situations made sense and I also understood more of where my sense of worth was affected. I also understood how it was even potentially affecting my work, my job, my career.... I had to realize the impact of what happened to me, why it was still important and how it was holding me back in fear, and then let it go. I feel different already. This will take some work, but I'm more than willing to heal, rearrange, and thrive.

If we let it happen, we are all beauty from ashes and we are stories being redeemed.... His story.

Israel and the Freedom Command

Me with Israeli Border Patrol in the Golan Heights, Nov 2009

As promised, I will now tell the story about how God pushed me further into becoming more free as as His child. He had been working on me for a long time about letting go and taking off my mask I used to put on. When I thought I had gotten to a place where I needed to be in that lesson, He pushed me even further over the edge. (That's one thing I love about Him... He doesn't let us settle.)

I was riding on the bus with my group in the Golan Heights, looking out my window over the battle ruins. I kept thinking about how many battles had been fought in that area of Israel, and how much the people of Israel have to fight for their freedom to keep their Land... It made me feel so ashamed. How many times had I taken freedom in my country America for granted? And then I thought how free I felt in Israel. It is an extra freedom feeling my soul encounters there. It was then as we were riding through the mountains that I asked God a question. "God, you know I've been in Israel before... What else do you want me to know that I will take back home with me?" The answer came. He said in my heart, "Take the freedom you feel here and take it back to America."

Whoa. I knew that would not be so simple. It would be a process. I asked Him what He meant exactly, and He began bringing different things to mind. One was my personal life. He was pushing me to become even more free, and He told me that He would show me what that looked like. (And He has!) Another large part of all that is still in the making... and I believe that a huge part of it is awakening people here in America. One way that can be done is by praying against complacency. I just want to be used by Him in big ways. I crave to be part of His plan in what He is doing.

Freedom Lies In Being What He Created

I have learned over the course of time that covering up who we really are to give off a certain picture to others is both hard and hurtful. Somehow in my early years, I had convinced myself through my own warped thinking that I had to be perfect. This feeling that I had to appear to have everything together and carry myself just so sometimes made me operate out of fear. I was afraid that if too many people saw that sometimes I truly could be silly, random, or just simply human, I'd loose credibility. (Huh?) This went on for years and it caused a lot of conflict in my heart. (Not to mention stress...)

Then, God started teaching me about freedom and not living out of fear, which began a process of examining, thinking, and changing the way I thought... I realized that in Him, we can be ourselves without striving to gain approval from others. We are to obey Him and live under His will and purpose... but He did not intend for us to put on a mask to cover up who we really are. He created each of us unique, with unique gifts and personalities to bring to the table of life.

Here is a real-life example, so we can be specific for a moment. It's a really simple one, but hopefully my point will come across... In the past, I was guilty of being paranoid that too many people would find out I could be a goof, like they'd discover that picture with my chipmunk-style cheeks and crossed eyes that was taken many years ago. Yes! There was actually a time when I was afraid that if too many people saw that side, I'd loose credibility. But guess what? I realized even God Himself laughs and has a sense of humor. Look at His creation.

Yeah. I'd say He has a sense of humor. (Photo taken during my trip to Israel, Nov '09.)

To sum it up, I learned that taking off the mask and being that person God created, while asking Him to change me into a better follower of Him is a much better alternative of being very concerned about the approval I may or may not get from others. What really matters is what He thinks, anyway, so it's best to strive to please Him instead of people. Once that kind of freedom in Him is found, it is a much healthier feeling! By the way, when I thought that I had learned what I needed to learn, God pushed me another step forward in the freedom lesson when He told me in my heart while I was in Israel this year to take the extra boost of freedom I feel over there back to America with me (I will post the full story later). And He's been showing me in many different ways what that looks like still. It was a very big and broad lesson that is still applying to many aspects of my life.

Before I close, I want to encourage anyone who feels like they need to put on "the mask" (whatever that mask is for you) that it's okay to remove it. There is a lot of freedom in being what God created you to be! (That's not to be confused with "settling in sin", which is a completely different issue than "taking of the mask" and just being you.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to enjoy Christmas. By the way, if you see a girl dressed as Santa anywhere, watch out... especially if she's running through a Christmas tree lot making turkey noises at night. Kidding! (But I have been known to do that. Just ask my friend Sherri, who has run along side with me in one of those adventures.) Merry Christmas everyone!!!

The End of the Beginning--- Thought About Life and Dreams

Standing on the edge, gazing at the horizon… I must know what is beyond that distant line. As I breathe deeply, my mind swims. I realize that I am free to leave the edge, what I know as familiar, and plunge into the unknown while staying safe within the hands of the One who created me to live. I smile. This is what freedom feels like.
(Photo taken in Tel Aviv, Israel. November 2009)