17 Ways to Ruin Relationships

Let's face it: there are some basic rules needing to be practiced to protect relationships, or help get them off on the right track before they even start. I've seen a lot of social awkwardness, drama, and rudeness. (I'm weirded out by it.)  Here are my thoughts and pet peeves about 17 deadly social sins and how to ruin relationships. Note: different types of relationships are mentioned below. They range from dating/male and female interactions, friendships, professional work place, and everyday social situations.

1.) Facebook and Twitter are social websites. Yes, they are useful, but please... please don't use them to arrange a meeting time with friends or, if you're single, ask someone on a date/communicate an interest. We still have phones for those things and they work much better. (Except, good grief... if you're using a phone, please don't ask someone on a date by a text. Use your voice to let them know what you're made out of.) We loose that personal touch that says "I care about you" when we ditch phones and make messaging on a social network site our biggest communication. So you don't have their number? Easy solution: get it! 

2.) Never use someone for your advantage without making sure they benefit, too.... Obviously, using them makes them angry. (Then you wonder why they don't want to be around you anymore?)

3.) You like someone or are in love, but you can't seem to get their attention... Never flirt with another to make them jealous. That's not attractive, it doesn't always work, and can even backfire on you.

4.) Look people in the eye. If you don't, they'll wonder what you're hiding or if you're too aloof to care.

5.) Don't constantly check your phone when you're with people. That body language translates: "I'm not fully interested in being here right now with you".... (Duh)

6.) Hey, Guys! A lot of girls still want to be pursued, no matter what the Women's Movement taught years ago. You need to go get her. (We like that. It goes back to the Knight and Shining Armor thing.) And if she still says "no", and you're a decent guy? Don't be defeated. There's a lot of women out there. Go find the one that will say "yes". I hear way too many single, nice girls complaining that no one asks them out. "Is he scared?" they ask..................................... (Well, are you?)

7.) Hey, Girls! Stop trying to be the guy in the relationship. Let him be the leader. When he offers to do something nice for you, thank him for being a gentleman and don't stomp on him thinking you're too independent for his help. You're not being cute: you're acting dumb.

8.) If you're going to work with friends in business, make sure you understand where money comes in.  Don't take advantage of a good-natured friendship. Too many friendships are ruined over "business", and that's just sad.

9.) Never un-invite "Betty" (we'll call the unnamed person that) to a party saying that plans are cancelled because their ex/someone that makes her feel uncomfortable will be there and you gather with the others behind Betty's back. That just makes you a jerk and weird... Believe it or not, I've seen adults do this, sadly. And it doesn't protect Betty's feelings: it causes more problems. 

10.) You're an employer: don't fire an employee because of a bad attitude when you have a bad attitude yourself. Can you say "hypocrite"?

11.) Dudes, be dudes. Girls, be girls. It works better that way. 

12.) Getting drunk is not attractive. 

13.) Don't expect people to give more than you're giving yourself... Also, don't dominate all conversations. People will think you're struck on yourself and will get annoyed. Share the table.

14.) Fads come and go, and times change, but ethics should never go out of style. Consider what you do, and how you're coming across. Body language is louder than actual words. What's your body saying?

15.) Don't assume invading another's personal space is always welcome.................

16.) Girls: this isn't 5th grade anymore. We're adults, and sly, jealousy-driven actions don't work. If your insecurity affects how you treat others, you're going to be alone. Simple as that.

17.) Someone wronged you: forgive. Staying mad at them creates awkward turtle and doesn't prove anything except your own bitterness. Free yourself from that prison.

Know anyone that fits into these? Do you fit into these? No one is perfect... I'm not perfect, but we have to try harder to not bum around. Use common sense. God gave us all brains: we need to use them.

"Oops! Did I Just Say That?"

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we walked around and just blurted out everything that was on our minds. It would mean there would be little secrets and everyone would know where they stood with each other. It would mean employees and employers would be more open with each other. It would mean the guy simply tells the girl he likes her, or vise versa. And it would mean you tell Aunt Barbara you haven't worn the Christmas sweater she gave you because you hate wearing Santa's face across your chest as a grown adult....


AND... we probably wouldn't have many friends. So, we can't blurt everything out. One can be too honest, after all. Yet, we shouldn't be afraid to speak our minds, right? How do we know where to draw the boundary?


There needs to be a balance. I have noticed that I don't say what is on my mind nearly enough, and it's something I am making a goal to change. But I don't want to go so far that I become offensive to others. I think manners is the sealer of honesty. If it is rude to say it, I should refrain, unless my opinion has been asked. For example, I was asked the other day by a guy friend for my "fashion opinion" of what he was wearing, and I had to be honest in saying his shoes weren't working out well. This wasn't offensive: why? Because I had been asked, and I answered in diplomacy, or what was my best attempt at diplomacy. Sometimes we get too honest for the sake of being honest, when we should still put ourselves in the other person's shoes. (No pun intended.) It's a delicated balance of saying the truth, but keeping manners.


So how do we do this? I think it's a matter of saying truth in the other person's best interest. It's just loving people well and showing respect. What would it mean to say the truth with the other person's best interest? I think it would mean more clarity in all relationships. If honesty came out of the other's best interest, guys and girls would know whether they are dating as in a romantic relationship, or if they are friends who enjoy each other's company. Employers and employees would be communicating clearer if they have been honest for the other's best interest. Maybe the boss needs to say the employee isn't executing properly, or the employee needs to ask for a Saturday off. (I realize those were lame examples, but I'm just typing mere ideas.) And Aunt Barbara---Hmmm Aunt Barbara... well, I'm not sure how Aunt Barbara should be told the sweater she gave you is tacky. (Maybe you should not say anything at all? Again, I'm not claiming to be any expert. ha!)


To sum this up, before blurting out the truth or holding the truth back completely out of fear of embarrassing or hurting someone or yourself, remember this one line:


"Speak the truth in love." ~Ephesians 4:5 


Sums it up well, I'd say.

The Smile: Two Meanings?

In my dealings with people (and my dealings with myself), I have come to realize that a smile can have two meanings. While I'm no expert on human behavior, I yearn for a discerning spirit as I interact with people. So here is what is bouncing around in my brain about The Smile.

The Smile's two meanings.

1.) It can denote the inner feelings of true happiness as a radiance of outward expression, or of loving expression towards others (friendliness). This is the one we are familiar with, the one we expect.

or....

2.) It can actually be an inner cry for help, disguised as a mask of sorts.

Picturing this, I just wonder how many times I have passed by a smiling face and mistook it for a playful countenance or The "I'm doing just great" Face... I wonder how many times I have passed by an opportunity to simply ask, "How are you doing?" from genuine concern. Something I have seen burst from these alleged "Mask-Wearers" is a pleasant surprise if they happen to be caught wearing the fake smile (used to cover up feelings of hurt) and have been asked how they really are doing. They don't expect to be discovered, but somehow deep down, I think they were yearning to be noticed and are happy someone saw beyond the lie. Remembering this, I wonder how many others have expected me to see the truth behind their mask, and were they upset if I missed it? Turning this on myself, I also wonder how many times have I put on this "mask" and expected others to see the truth behind it? 

This digs down into a deeper thought level... I think there could be different answers to this, but two I'm pondering at the moment are the duties of the "Mask-Wearer" and of the "Truth-Seeker". 

1.) If we are the "Mask-Wearer" (aka the ones wearing the fake smile to cover up pain), it is perfectly human to remove the mask and be ourselves. That is our duty. Masks are unhealthy for us and everyone around us because they conceal the truth. Something I have seen, too, is that if we wear the "mask" long enough, we boil over and eventually explode.

2.) What I'm about to write next has two points... If we are the "Truth-Seeker" (aka someone who has a gift in seeing beyond what is there, the gift of discernment), I think we should remember to "bear one another's burdens". On the other hand, I don't think it's our duty to save everyone wearing masks. We can ask by prayer what our role should be when interacting with these people.

In essence, whether we're the one wearing the mask or the one that sees beyond another's mask, I think our duties can be summed up to an old lesson. Maybe you heard it as a 1st grader sitting in Miss Betty's Sunday School class...

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

~The Golden Rule, taken from Luke 6:31

Hmmm, something to ponder. Any thoughts?

Tell-Tale Sign Of A Church: The Women's Bathroom?

Let me state my case. Maybe the title made you curious and maybe you think I'm crazy at this point, but read on. Because of the lifestyle I had growing up, I saw many churches and many types of churches. I performed in several and also traveled with my dad a bit (he's a speaker/evangelist). Maybe you have seen many churches, too. If so, you probably know this: after a while, you start feeling a vibe, and can quickly come to conclusions about each church. Some ways to do this are obvious, others aren't. But I have discovered one way that is a bit unorthodox. If you are a woman or girl, you will probably understand this. See if you can find yourself in this scenario:

You're new to a church, or just visiting for your first time, and after being welcomed by greeters, you realize you have to go. You find the women's bathroom, being sure not to go into the wrong one (you know, still trying to make a good impression or whatever), and if it's a larger church, you might wait in line... This is where it can happen. Once you have entered into this room, the stares and glances turn your direction. You immediately feel like an outsider when you felt fine out in the church hallway. Now that you're in here, you feel like Daniel in the lion's den. Your eyes scan the room as you begin to understand the situation around you. Women come out of stalls, and with down-cast eyes, turn to the sink to wash their hands and fix their hair/makeup. They might check out the woman next to them... you know, to make sure she is either not a threat, or if she is, to search for something wrong with her (especially true in single groups, because that girl might have her eye on a certain dude running around in the hall outside)... They might check out what you're wearing. You're not feeling welcomed, but you feel strange being in a closed room without speaking to someone, so you turn to the girl next to you and say something funny as you laugh, hoping it's an ice-breaker... she just glares at you and scoffs loftily. You've been shut down, and are thankful when the next stall opens and fly into it: the sooner you can get out of here, the better.

Does this scene sound familiar to you? While it's a bit comical, this scenario was not made up: it happened to me at a large church in my hometown. Actually, I have found this scenario true in many churches unfortunately. The church might seem cool, but I say you don't really know a church until you walk into the women's bathroom and find out how you're treated. Sometimes, you really can tell a church by the way the women's bathroom scenario plays out. If you're treated well and not snubbed to death like you're the dead mouse that cat just drug in, then perhaps that's a good sign the church is friendly and emotionally safe.... and well, if you feel like an outsider of a club and/or feel like the icy stares make Antarctica seem warm, it's a pretty good guess you've walked into an unfriendly, perhaps emotionally unsafe church.

My question is: why do women feel like they can be catty and it not be wrong? Even at church? A woman can be so rude in the women's bathroom and go out and lead worship with a God-honoring smile on her face... Huh? I have a really hard time with this. It confuses me, and frankly, this is another reason why I have seen so many churches because once I see something like this, I usually move on quickly. Many churches are just not friendly, and I have a hard time staying in a place that makes me feel like I'm in a danger-zone just for existing. This has happened to me on many occasions, but I'm not new to the church scene. I can just imagine how a new-comer into the whole church scene feels when this happens. It's confusing because they see hypocrisy. Isn't church supposed to be better than this? Yes. Isn't the body of believers in the Church supposed to love each other? Yes. Is the women's bathroom at church the best place to make friends? Probably not because that's a bit awkward, but come on---at least we can be nice. In all seriousness, when women are shut off in their own room, away from the men, sometimes their true colors come out. What color do we want to show? What color do we want to show the searching new-comer? What color do we want to show each other? Do we show that we are cold and and threatening, or warm and loving? With the rest of society and the world watching what we do, we must be more careful how our actions carry out. People notice little things, and little things can change minds forever.

So one thing we can all know from this: the women's bathroom just might be what's hurting your church, or someone else. Something to consider...