Buried Anger, Pain, and Unhappy Internal Organs

     We live in a world where the answer to the common question, "how are you" is almost always so predictably said, "Good---you?" We all do it. It is what is expected. It is professional. Imagine getting costumer service and you asked how the professional was doing and they answered, "I've had the worst day. In fact my whole life is a mess right now, and I'd really rather not be at work talking you. " We would scoff and say this person is unprofessional, when actually they only told you the honest answer to the question you asked.
     It is also easier: easier on both the listener and the proclaimer. My husband said a few weeks ago about how he is curious to know when people ask how he's doing if they are wanting the full story about his week or are they just expecting a quick, easy answer: "Good." We are fast-paced Americans, and we take the easiest, shortest way out in communication. The scary part is that while all this is happening, masks are on and our pain and anger are buried. Yes, we bury it. An alternative doctor told me something a couple months ago that kicked me on a journey to healing some really deep emotional wounds. He said that I am a "very emotionally charged lady", and I feel angry and need to express an opinion or two, yet I bury that emotion straight down to my organs. And many do this. Can you imagine what can happen to an angry liver after a while? Or an angry kidney? (Let's be adults and not mention what could happen to an angry colon.) We all have have pain that needs to be healed. It is an unavoidable fact of living.
      Yet we have another, perhaps bigger problem. If we believe we will be judged, scolded, or misunderstood for our pain---instead of bringing it to the surface to release it--- we hide it and our bodies take the brunt of fighting it. Babies don't do this. They scream and kick when something bothers them, yet when they are older we tell them to calm down, to cut it out. Yet what are we training them to do? Are we training the child to bury what is bothering them and pretend it doesn't exist, or are we training them to manage their problem? That is a huge difference in how we handle our own problems: deny or manage.
      Another problem we have, which is another form of burying, is denying the significance of what hurts us. Someone very wise told me once to never make the mistake in assuming that other people's painful story is greater and more significant than my own pain, which was quite opposite to what I was taught growing up in society. If we look at our neighbor and think they have been through worse than us, so therefore we should "suck it up and go on like nothing happened", we have robbed ourselves the joy of being set free. It is like a proud captain of a ship hearing from one of his men that there is hole below deck with water pouring in and the captain saying, "never mind that. We will be fine," and all the while the boat is sinking slowly. "Well," we think, "he must be an idiot to ignore a warning like that," yet in real life we ignore warnings our own hearts give us. We are keeping ourselves from healing by not acknowledging, understanding, and releasing our pain. This becomes very dangerous, because somewhere deep inside is a fear-based emotion, and fear is not a healing agent at all. We must love ourselves enough to not bury our pain, to not hide our hurts.
     I am not only writing to an audience, but also to myself. I have hurts that I buried and it turned to anger, and I realized where anger rests there is a fear that the hurt will happen again. I did not acknowledge this overnight. It took time, understanding, talking to people, and reading to understand it existed in me. So what route will I take to get rid of it? The "Denial Route" or what I call the "AURM Route"? The route that does not heal but pretends the problem isn't there, or the route that does heal but takes more work? I am choosing the "AURM", a word I made up for the healing process: Acknowledge the hurt, Understand the hurt, Release the hurt, Manage whatever is left over, even if that means repeating the process. For me, this also means the process of working through a lot of forgiveness.
     What would our society look like if we were honest about how we truly were doing? The honesty I mention goes beyond what we tell other people. but also very much what we tell ourselves. It sounds terrifying, doesn't it? It sounds exhausting. It sounds like being more responsible. It sounds like healing instead of wasting time being miserable. As de Mello would say, it sounds like "Waking up".

New Freedoms, Part One

Lately it seems like I've had one realization after another. One is that I realized that I have a bad attitude about Christmas and need to stop being a scrooge. (My dear John can give account to that realization.) So this Christmas season, I'm tuning in to what Christmas is really about. However, while this was a big step, a bigger one came still, and this one hurt much more than the former. This realization unlocked a memory that I had blocked. The actual memory, I remembered, but the emotional part that of the memory, I had blocked out and not dealt with until recently.

Like any sort of moment of awareness, the sting of the realization came and suddenly memories swept in that I had not considered as a big deal before, but suddenly were placed where they belonged. I remembered not the specific memories, but I remembered the details I had shut out and how they had at the time made me feel... It happened to me as a young girl, and later as a teen, in a situation I didn't understand, and it happened in a Christian setting, specifically in a smaller group of people. I had taken my feelings and bottled them. I had taken hurt and turned it to distrust. Distrust turned into fear, which has made me hide for years.

Eureka!

You may be wondering if I was abused somehow. The answer is no to sexual/physical abuse, yet emotionally and spiritually there was still some damage that I prevented from healing by not recognizing its impact.... until now. I had to get here by looking into a deep, dusty place in my heart that is rarely used or looked at. It hurt to go there, but after was beautiful relief. I had found a big missing piece of a puzzle, and this piece answered my question "why?"... With the puzzle piece getting put it place, it made the picture start to make more sense, as opposed to an awkward gap of unknown. Suddenly, my anxiety in some social situations made sense and I also understood more of where my sense of worth was affected. I also understood how it was even potentially affecting my work, my job, my career.... I had to realize the impact of what happened to me, why it was still important and how it was holding me back in fear, and then let it go. I feel different already. This will take some work, but I'm more than willing to heal, rearrange, and thrive.

If we let it happen, we are all beauty from ashes and we are stories being redeemed.... His story.

Our Deepest Heart's Cry

I have been pondering the issues of the heart a lot over the past few months, and I have had many conversations with loved ones and even strangers about heart issues lately. It's amazing how what is on our minds is brought up multiple times by other people, and it is continued as I am approaching the end of the book Journey of Desire by John Eldridge. 


There is a simple truth we so often avoid: we were created for joy and were given hearts to feel and desire. We avoid this because it's not always "safe" to admit that. We associate desire with "worldly things"... yet this is faulty thinking. It's what we do with desire that turns it from Holy to unholy. The Creator gives us our hearts and puts desire in our hearts. John Eldridge even points out in Chapter 10 of Journey of Desire page 169, "As a rule, most of us live far from our hearts. We need to be much more acquainted with them. We need to know what we want." 


Desire is not a bad thing... Where we get in trouble is trying to find fulfillment of our desires on things of this world. We ultimately desire Him deeply, yet we desperately grab for other things besides Him to fulfill that desire. He is the one our hearts are yearning for, and it's a deep, deep yearning. He instilled in us a desire for joy and we run around sometimes like mice in a maze trying to find something in which we can fulfill that desire... yet outside of Him, the heart honestly can not find it. Addictions, sex, money, power, approval--- the heart not find complete fulfillment there... Even the best and most fervent loves we share with people won't fulfill it completely, and He wants us to love others. He delights in the love between a man and a woman, since He created it for our joy. Yet while still good and holy, and even symbolic of the picture of Christ and His bride (us), love between a man and a woman still can't replace the ultimate need of our hearts... So then what? God wants our attention. He knows that's what our hearts need most, to pay attention to Him.


"When we don't look for God as our true life, our desire for Him spills over into our other desires, giving them an ultimacy and urgency they were never intended to bear. We become desperate, grasping and arranging and worrying over all kinds of things, and once we get them, they end up ruling us. It's the difference between wants and needs. All we truly need is God."... -John Eldridge, Journey of Desire in Chapter 10, page 176


What does this mean? The fact is: our hearts desire. What are we really wanting, past the surface? Him... God knows this and tells us to guard our hearts. It's not to keep our hearts from feeling fun, happiness, and joy--- guarding our hearts means being mindful of things that will destroy our hearts and keep us from living how we were created. Let us guard our hearts so our hearts can love better, deeper. We need to flee from sin and pour into Grace. When the world fails us, when things fail us, when people hurt us, when the things we chase after fail us, hurt us, and leave us unsatisfied, let's follow our deep heart cries to Him. He calls us to align ourselves with Him, and in Him, let the rest of our desires He has given us to fall into their proper place. Then we are called to go out into the world to tell others about the Love we know. Many people need to know about this love offered. People who don't know God desire, too... They need to know what they desire, deep down. 


So my friends... what do you desire? 


(By the way, everyone should read this book by John Eldridge....)

The Root of Indecisiveness

I recently took a personality test and scored very low in the area of Decisiveness, the ability to make decisions. As I thought of this, I realized how often I mule over and over-think things when I have to make a tough choice. I over-analize, second-guess, critique my decision in the end.

Why do I do this?

As I asked myself this, I realized the root of this problem. It's that little monster deep inside me that makes himself known in little ways, yet still he digs his claws enough to be noticed. The Fear monster... Dang it! As I thought I was getting rid of him, I realize he still lives in there, in my heart still safe in his little comfy home. I imagine he's probably soaking in his hot tub now, the little dufus, sipping on champagne, not knowing what's coming next for him. I'm going to make the next few weeks a bumpy ride for him in there. I want him out.

What would life look like if we could live completely without fear? For me, I know I could make decisions faster if I wasn't afraid of the outcome. When faced with a choice, I think, "What if I make the wrong move?" Okay. So what if? What if? What if?... My mistake will add an imperfection, yet I can trust it will be used somehow in my story for the better. I'm learning to say this when faced with a tough choice, "Muscle past Fear, go with the gut, and don't look back."

Perfect Love casts out Fear...

"Where Strength dwells, Fear cannot abide."
This is something God and I have talked through so many times. He is weeding it out of my life. When God uproots deep things from our hearts, it hurts, yet the outcome is more beautiful than we can imagine. I know this is worth it. Already I can see the outcome. He is making me more whole, He is making me stronger, more courageous. I pray for courage. I pray for courage for others. It is key to freedom.

Desires Of Our Hearts: What To Do With Them, Part 2

In 1577, my favorite poem ever was written. It was beautifully crafted from a heart's cry that echoes into this day. Whenever I read these words, my own heart pumps in agreement. I desire to live this way... What should we do with dreams and desires of our hearts? I think this author boldly wrote the answer long ago.

"Disturb us, Lord,
When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.


Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
With the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life
We have ceased our dreams of eternity,
And in our efforts to build a new earth
We have allowed our vision
Of the new heaven to dim.


Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where loosing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.


We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love."

~Attributed to Sir Francis Drake, 1577


Dream. Live. Dare. Go boldly to answer God's calling. Stay thirsty for Him... To do without is like a ship in a sea of doldrums.

Desires of Our Hearts: What To Do With Them?

"The only fatal error is to pretend that we have found the life we prize. To mistake the water hole for the sea. To settle for the same old thing." ~John Eldridge from Journey to Desire

I have been going through Journey to Desire by John Eldridge. In the book, he deals with what to do with the desires of our hearts in our lives. Do we bury dreams or chase them? Since we live in a fallen world, our dreams are harder to completely obtain, and many times we do without reaching our fullest dreams. Our hearts ache and yearn for something, and that something is called more. We were created for wholeness but since The Fall when we lost Eden, we cannot reach that wholeness here on earth. Yet our God as He loves us still beckons us to push for our goals, to reach for the desires of our hearts while being in His will.

In the book, Eldridge asks over and over again "Do we dare?"... In a life that seems to continuously disappoint us when our dreams aren't reached, how do we cope? Let's face it: people let us down. We get injured. A relationship is broken off. Death happens. We don't get the job... When we're on the road to chasing dreams but obstacles keep standing in the way or slowing us down, how do we handle ourselves? Do we still dare to dream? Do we dare to trust and chase? Do we dare keep our hearts alive?
Personally, I've had dreams that have been knocked down and shaken, and it's a dare to keep dreams alive when the outcome isn't certain. It's a dare to walk the unknown journey.

To kill desire and to cease dreaming is like killing our hearts, which is not what our God wants for us. He is a passionate God who created us to live out passionate lives. He created us to desire wholeness, which is part of the beauty of His saving love, as we can never fully attain that wholeness without being with Him... We will never gain that 100% wholeness here on this earth since it is a fallen world. Greater things are coming when we're face to face with our Lord, which gives us hope. Yet here on this earth in this time, we must still hold on to dreams.

Eldridge posts something by Langston Hughes within the book's pages:

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. ("Dreams")

Keep your heart alive. Allow yourself the boldness to chase after the desires of your heart. Dare to dream.... and read Journey to Desire by John Eldridge. :)

Belonging... Never Alone

Belong... We use this word a lot in our lifestyles and thoughts. We say things like "I don't belong in a job like this," or "He is too big-city-minded to belong in a town so quiet," or "I wish I truly felt like I belonged somewhere." This last one is a pattern easily adopted into our thinking. "I wish I belonged somewhere." It's a sad, hopeless statement, especially when doubt settles in to the point where this thought becomes, "I'm afraid I'll never belong to anyone or anywhere." This one also, if we're not careful, is easily adopted into our thinking and can hurt us.

Sometimes, our hearts drift toward concepts that cause us hurt: sometimes things happen and we may feel like outcasts, or like wanderers looking for the next thing, or like we don't fit in quite well, uncertain and afraid of identity, or just lonely. Since I have been about sharing and being open, here is another layer of my heart that has been shed, but now will be made public: I struggled with questions and doubts of belonging. I somehow had adopted it into my thinking so smoothly, I barely noticed it was there. It had become so deeply rooted into my thoughts, it became normal to feel insecure in these questions. I didn't realize how much these lies and doubts had led me into a trap... until a friend sat me down and told me to be careful with my association with those ideas and that she'd been praying against those thoughts in me. Wow. What was awesome was that I hadn't even told her about this struggle. I had covered it up, not even thinking there was anything wrong with it. But there I was exposed before my friend and held accountable. What was huge is my eyes were opened as she talked with me. I had allowed those ideas to hurt my heart, but was lifted and encouraged as she said in truth, "You belong. You're a child of God... You are part of the Body." 

Satan loves for us to feel alone or like wanderers, because it can cut us off from our fellow brothers and sisters of the Body... and that's just what he wants. But we belong. Belong... The truth settled in as my friend spoke that to me. No matter what the circumstance, no matter how insecure we may feel at times, if we are sealed in Christ, we are part of the Body. We are held together as one, no matter what. Some things may not be permanent as we are taken into different seasons and times, but the truth is we are never alone. Not alone, not outcasts, not rejects. Wrapped in this concept the mind is allowed to be free and healthy. I belong, you belong, we belong. 

Another thing... When our minds are in this, we are free in love and peace. And we need to act in this freedom and reach out to our brothers and sisters in love. Love. Love is the greatest gift, and there are plenty of opportunities to love as we have been loved. Sealed in love, we are together, never alone.

Ponderings: Essentials and Eternity

    As I sit here in the woods on a sunny day in winter, I am caressing the moment of stopping life just to BE... To breathe in the moment... To dwell in the moment of unknown except the existence of NOW. It's an empowering moment of weakness and vulnerability. I am strong to admit I am weak, and I am weak to say I'm strong. In this moment, I know a fact I choose to ignore often: I have to toss off weight, all the unnecessary bondage that keeps me from being free... What would life look like for me if I stopped trying so hard? What would happen if I stopped thinking about all but the necessary? I have potential to ruin myself by trying to be so wise that I go above and beyond Being and pondering the essential. In my wisdom, I can become foolish. By becoming foolish, I can become wise... The concept sounds like an unfairly bizarre riddle but the Wisest One first said it by Paul's writing.
    In the moment I'm in, I can feel the ache in creation... The birds are singing and a distant train blows it's horn---all signs of life and normalcy, but somehow I can sense brokenness. Just to get to this special place tucked off in the brush on top a rock on the cliff in the park, I watched my back and my surroundings just to make sure there was no threatening character lurking around. It seems poetically backwards to have to trek through potential danger to get to a place to pray and think in peace. I am reminded that the world as we know it is dangerous and violent, and will continue to be so before our King returns to make all right. In the dead shadows, I feel like creation knows this... It's a haunting yet beautiful thing, like nature knows something better than do our human minds. We are easily distracted from essentials.
    The essentials are that Truth is coming again to bring us Home into Eternity, and whatever time here in this dangerous and broken world is important. We have purpose but we waste it on the things that will not be eternal. This time and world is now and temporarily ours to borrow. What are we doing with our borrowed time? Wasting it on the things that will not matter in the immortal life coming? When we are before the Creator of Time and His life and breath is everything, how will we feel about what we did in the previous age? Soon I will make the hike back down to my car to my city, where I will see the groan and the hope of my society. I pray I can keep my mind on the essentials. What am I doing? Will I practice what I preach? Will I strip myself of extra weight and keep my eyes on the horizon ahead? It's a race...
    Earthly things---this will pass away. Our King is coming to bring death to evil and awaken all things good. Push for that. The Wise One is coming to teach us Who He really is, and the ones that know Him will be amazed. We underestimate Him because our understanding is too wise by this world's standards. (For now we see in a mirror dimly, but soon we shall see face to face. -1 Corinthians 13:12) God is beyond logic since He is Himself is a miracle. We must have child-like hearts to understand just a part of Him, and even then we still don't understand. (Matthew 18:1-4) He is beyond spells, magic, and powers of man. He is the Master of Miracles and King of Power. He is the reason we are here... The Mysterious One full of love will soon be understood... Our minds will be made new to be wise by His standards. By this wisdom, we know that the wisest in this world are foolish. (For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside. Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" -1 Corinthians 1:19-20)
    Compared to a Lord like this God, who are we to say that we have things figured out? We may be wise in this age and world---even wiser than ever before now that science is increasingly getting more elaborate---but we still have only brushed the surface of His wisdom. Who am I to be so arrogant at times to be comfortable in my own logic and wisdom? Before the Lord who created me, I am a mere speck, and yet I carry unnecessary weight in my own arrogance... However, I find this a comfort that I know little compared to Him: even the wisdom of now feels empty, because I know there is more. I will see the Wise One in a day coming, when He makes all things right. 
     I leave this quiet place now to return to my fast-paced world... knowing all is temporary and better things and new life is coming.

Moments With God

~Rain is so cleansing... It's a beginning. A healing. A fresh wash of gentleness exploding into dynamic song.~

At 6:30 this morning... Sitting on my front porch watching the sun rise through the freshly-rained-on glistening trees, I asked God for peace over my life like I have time and time again. Then, a pang of guilt hit my gut, followed by a feeling of perspective and responsibility... I should be more grateful for what I have, rest in it, then give it away.

It goes like this... So many times I ask God for peace over my life, then it hit me that I have an overflow of peace that He has given me, and compared to many stories and paths people walk through, I have an over-flow of this peace. It hit me that I've put much effort in praying for peace in my life and have received much, so now I must put much effort in praying for peace over the lives of others. When God gives an abundance, there is responsibility to also give from that over-flow, like fresh water being poured from a pitcher so more can drink.

Perspective: the deep, heart-felt recognition that there is so much more past my world. I want to give. I want to live fully, with the full perspective. Peace be on your life, whoever reads this.