Hamster Wheels and Taunting Time

Tonight, I am taking a moment... A rare one, I'm ashamed to admit, in which I am just sitting in complete silence, merely soaking in and reflecting. In these silent moments I have now, I breathe in deeply and realize I don't take enough silent moments. I may have times where a break comes but I do not take enough time to be silent... to listen.... to clear my head. I have been in a habit lately, one I realize now is self-destructive, of being in a moment where I have potential for silence, but my brain is rapidly thinking of the next thing to do.

I pause: it is almost eerie, as if time itself taunts me, mocks me, as if it can feel me wishing I used my time wiser, or perhaps with more potential. I imagine an incandescent messenger telling me I should use my time better. Perhaps this incadescent messenger is my phone or possibly the computer screen in front of me, both showing a digital face with numbers staring back at me... Both reminders of time.

Why do I do this? Is it to run from what I may learn in a moment of silence? What is the fear of growth when it can only make me better, stronger, more efficient for the life I have and will have? Or is it fear of missing out on something? What sense does this really make when I'm missing out on an important factor of human existence? Pausing. And not just any pausing: listening and searching.

Without pausing, the mind I'm convinced can run like a hamster on a wheel. I'm reminded of the nasty hamster I had as a kid, named Georgie. Her cage stayed in my room during the day, but at night she would get moved to the bathroom because if not moved out, the clank clank clank of her wheel would keep me awake at night. (How seemingly perfect for my hamster analogy.) Our minds, like my hamster Georgie's wheel in the wee hours of the morning can go round and round and round, going, going, going, going... Fine for a hamster, yet self-destructive for humans who need to let their brains, and minds, rest.

In this moment, I'm getting off the hamster wheel and making better use of this quiet moment. I need to do this more often. I might miss out otherwise...