Confessions of A 21-year old Drama Queen

The title is well-suited. I am currently 21, an age I don't announce often, and I am a Drama Queen. Why have I kept my age hidden until now? Somehow I'd convinced myself that in order to be successful as a person, business person, whatever the heck I try to be, that being young is somehow inferior in a world of older professionals. That is a lie and I love truth. This thought process is about to change. I found myself thinking recently that I must celebrate youth and stop being such an age snob.


Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity. ~1 Timothy 4:12


So "Drama Queen"... I don't like that title, and I'm not proud of it at all, but this blog entry is about honesty and telling it like it is, so I'm not going to sugarcoat the problem. Drama Queen... (ouch.) So here comes the real confession time of what has happened to me the past 6 months. It is not pretty. Brace yourself as I brace myself to lay down my pride.


I have become sick. It started in October when I decided to rearrange my career ideals a bit and somehow I became so wrapped up in my goals I lost myself. The mind is a strange thing... I started suffering spiritually, mentally, and physically. I stressed out, always running to the next job, studying, making "to-do lists"... I was striving so hard to please others and to be proud of myself that I literally started wasting away... I lost a lot of weight, and people started asking if I was okay. My hair started falling out in big chunks. I had tension in my neck and shoulders, so I was in pain often. Many begged me to go to the doctor, but I was too stubborn. And my ridiculous process continued and quickly worsened. It was like I was killing myself slowly. 


As I'm admitting this, I have tears in my eyes. I want others to know, to be warned, and I want to beg them not to do what I did. I had withered away to 107 lbs. As a 5 ft 7", athletic dancer, that is WAY to little! I remember the first time I saw how tiny my body had become. I looked in the mirror one day while I was teaching ballet, and it's like my eyes were opened to reality. My muscles had gone away, bones were sticking out, and it hurt to dance. My JOB hurt! My passion for dance withered away because physically it had become too stressful on my fragile body. I continued working as a dance instructor, but slowly rehearsing my own dreams at the studio became more of a chore than a desire. Even with my Illusion learning, I suffered. What started out as something I just wanted to do quickly became something I felt I HAD to do, like just another item on the "to do list". When I lost passion for my goals, FEAR possessed me. I did not know what I was doing, and was afraid I wouldn't figure it out. It was a deadening... a limbo of sorts. Questions haunted me and I felt close to worthless. My mentors and my family became extremely worried as they saw me metaphorically drowning, because I still was very thin and wasn't gaining weight, though I tried desperately to gain. The pounds simply wouldn't come back, and my hair had thinned considerably. Chronic fatigue set in. Headaches pushed into my skull everyday. Pain in my neck made itself more prominent, an obvious injury... Depression settled in, and pressure to pursue my dreams only drove me deeper into a hole. 


Answers and Dealing With Truth:
To sum this up: stress, pride, and an injury was the cause of the past few months being so dark. I am under treatment with Dr. Josh Axe of Exodus Health Center, and already I am feeling better. Mentally, I am chilling for now, focusing on my Lord, Who makes the darkness come to light. As my body is healing itself, I'm focusing on healing my mind... Stress that is self-inflicted is dangerous. As I rid that monster out of me, it is a bittersweet time. I am making myself take a sabbatical, a welcome break. I hurt, I cry, and for the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to feel those emotions without masquerading them. I still dream but I am just being in the present, enjoying the lifted spirit I am getting back. 


Hope is returning. My passion for dance and teaching is returning. I just want to tell others not to do what I did, especially young adults and teens. Society already puts enough pressure on us, and we don't need to add anything on ourselves. Yes, doctors found a neck injury and a Vitamin D deficiency that is being corrected, but I could have handled my mind a lot better. Making unrealistic demands on myself is not what my God called me into. He specifically told me to be FREE and tell others to be free. The chains I have been putting on myself to be perfect and successful had made me a hypocrite and disobedient to His calling on my life. For this I am so sorry... to my Lord, to my friends, to my family. I say "No more". I have a message, a voice, and it needs to be heard. I will not allow my own junk to silence this voice anymore. I am healing. :)


If you are reading this, please don't do what I did. You don't have to be perfect. Success is not all it's measured to be, especially if it makes you sick! Pursue dreams, chase your goals, but know your strengths, your bounds. Push, but don't break. Learn the balance of being the best you can be without demanding unrealistic ideals upon yourself... I am learning this and am re-creating my life to be shaped in a new priority fashion. 


Much love, in peace...
Lindsey

Ponderings: Essentials and Eternity

    As I sit here in the woods on a sunny day in winter, I am caressing the moment of stopping life just to BE... To breathe in the moment... To dwell in the moment of unknown except the existence of NOW. It's an empowering moment of weakness and vulnerability. I am strong to admit I am weak, and I am weak to say I'm strong. In this moment, I know a fact I choose to ignore often: I have to toss off weight, all the unnecessary bondage that keeps me from being free... What would life look like for me if I stopped trying so hard? What would happen if I stopped thinking about all but the necessary? I have potential to ruin myself by trying to be so wise that I go above and beyond Being and pondering the essential. In my wisdom, I can become foolish. By becoming foolish, I can become wise... The concept sounds like an unfairly bizarre riddle but the Wisest One first said it by Paul's writing.
    In the moment I'm in, I can feel the ache in creation... The birds are singing and a distant train blows it's horn---all signs of life and normalcy, but somehow I can sense brokenness. Just to get to this special place tucked off in the brush on top a rock on the cliff in the park, I watched my back and my surroundings just to make sure there was no threatening character lurking around. It seems poetically backwards to have to trek through potential danger to get to a place to pray and think in peace. I am reminded that the world as we know it is dangerous and violent, and will continue to be so before our King returns to make all right. In the dead shadows, I feel like creation knows this... It's a haunting yet beautiful thing, like nature knows something better than do our human minds. We are easily distracted from essentials.
    The essentials are that Truth is coming again to bring us Home into Eternity, and whatever time here in this dangerous and broken world is important. We have purpose but we waste it on the things that will not be eternal. This time and world is now and temporarily ours to borrow. What are we doing with our borrowed time? Wasting it on the things that will not matter in the immortal life coming? When we are before the Creator of Time and His life and breath is everything, how will we feel about what we did in the previous age? Soon I will make the hike back down to my car to my city, where I will see the groan and the hope of my society. I pray I can keep my mind on the essentials. What am I doing? Will I practice what I preach? Will I strip myself of extra weight and keep my eyes on the horizon ahead? It's a race...
    Earthly things---this will pass away. Our King is coming to bring death to evil and awaken all things good. Push for that. The Wise One is coming to teach us Who He really is, and the ones that know Him will be amazed. We underestimate Him because our understanding is too wise by this world's standards. (For now we see in a mirror dimly, but soon we shall see face to face. -1 Corinthians 13:12) God is beyond logic since He is Himself is a miracle. We must have child-like hearts to understand just a part of Him, and even then we still don't understand. (Matthew 18:1-4) He is beyond spells, magic, and powers of man. He is the Master of Miracles and King of Power. He is the reason we are here... The Mysterious One full of love will soon be understood... Our minds will be made new to be wise by His standards. By this wisdom, we know that the wisest in this world are foolish. (For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside. Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" -1 Corinthians 1:19-20)
    Compared to a Lord like this God, who are we to say that we have things figured out? We may be wise in this age and world---even wiser than ever before now that science is increasingly getting more elaborate---but we still have only brushed the surface of His wisdom. Who am I to be so arrogant at times to be comfortable in my own logic and wisdom? Before the Lord who created me, I am a mere speck, and yet I carry unnecessary weight in my own arrogance... However, I find this a comfort that I know little compared to Him: even the wisdom of now feels empty, because I know there is more. I will see the Wise One in a day coming, when He makes all things right. 
     I leave this quiet place now to return to my fast-paced world... knowing all is temporary and better things and new life is coming.

Poetry Session 4: "Flight Dare"

"Flight Dare"
by Lindsey Adare
Written December 2010

"I can feel it---the shaking in my spirit.
The burn for risk, yet desire for safe.
As the way of eagles, the nest is disassembled,
And this bird is left perching on thorns,
When the sky is the limit, when fear baffles...

Do I dare trust my own wings?

I hear whispers---my soul shivers,
"How is the bold afraid?" I ask,
When the Trusted One gives a dare.
I doubt, argue, question, diminish.
Surely I can't be ready for this?

Do I trust the wings I was given?

Yet a rumbling soul---it takes control,
And at this I know what needs to come.
I go, jump, leaving thorns behind...
Laughing: daringly agreeing the challenge.
Flying: I was created for this."

Poetry Session 3: "The Grudge"

"The Grudge"
by Lindsey Adare
Written March 24, 2008


How the determined hearts yearn to forget
All the broken memories of yesterday.
And how split hearts try to disguise pain,
But brokenness does not mend right away.


The strength is not there to erase the past,
And bitterness is always the worst judge.
How proud hearts yearn to be free of pain,
And to cleanse the stain of The Grudge.


I think we all can relate to fear of monsters. When we were children, they hid under our beds or in our closets... (Don't laugh, you know you had that fear, too.) Now that we're older, we have different fears and different monsters.  Some monsters seem harmless at first, then they take their bite... Some come out quickly, and some take their time to make themselves known... One such monster is an ugly one called The Grudge. This monster creeps in slowly, meticulously digging its claws into our hearts... embedding himself into our thoughts over the course of time. Sometimes, we don't know The Grudge is there, and he's able to quietly fester to become stronger until we loose track of ourselves. The Grudge is a dangerous monster, one to be feared, for certain. Some proud hearts fight him, but once The Grudge has found a home in a heart, he is difficult to get rid of by one's own strength.

So what makes him attach himself to us in the first place? Like sharks drawn to blood, The Grudge feeds off hearts that have been broken and are storing up anger and bitterness. A bitter heart is like pure sweetness to him, and he can feed so quietly sometimes his victim never suspects he has invaded until The Grudge has taken over his life.

So how can we get rid of The Grudge? The answer is Forgiveness. I believe at some point in our lives we all find ourselves in the scenario of having to forgive someone from our pasts, or we find ourselves in that place of desperation, knowing it's either let go or be satisfied with The Grudge's invasion. In short, to get rid of The Grudge, we have to forgive those who hurt us in the past. We must forgive ourselves, too, and be forgiven. That's where Grace comes in... otherwise known as Jesus ("who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases," Psalm 103:3). He is the master at removing The Grudge, simply because He has to have full access to our hearts for the removal process to work, and when He has full access, The Grudge has no more room to dwell. However, one should know that once The Grudge is gone, this monster is known to leave a stain behind from the monster's slime, but don't worry. The stain may take some time to remove, but that's where the Holy Spirit comes in... His job is to heal and clean our hearts.

We all have probably experienced The Grudge's invasion at some point, I myself not excluded. I had The Grudge... and he was removed, one claw at at time, from my heart. Then a stain was left behind to prove where he lived--- a stain which the Holy Spirit is still cleaning. It's all good, though... I'm just glad to have my heart worked on by Someone so cool.

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

Poetry Session 2

I was searching through all my ramblings and found one that I thought might kinda sorta be suitable for the Christmas season. So considering it being Christmas Eve, here's another one!

"Mystery Reflection"
by Lindsey Adare,
Written March 2010


Embracing the peace that comes after the chaos,
The whole night to wrap you in shadows then light.
Mystery, mystique, crying tears of victory and defeat---
Isn't this how it is?


The relief that comes after the truth is exposed,
The guilt that kills when a lie is covered in full.
Twisted, resisted, truth founded and undefeated---
Isn't this how it is?


Have you found what you thought couldn't be found?
A lost memory, a hidden hope, a sun in the night?
Serenity, Security, laughter from now to eternity---
Isn't this how it is?


Have you leaned on strength that wasn't your own?
Rode on wings and not sure where they came from?
Unafraid, undone, letting go of what has already begun---
Isn't this how it is?


I have embraced, resisted, exposed, stood undefeated.
I have found what was hidden, rode on mystery Wings.
Stretched, sustained, all and nothing I have gained---
But Peace... This is how it is.

Poetry Session 1

I have always loved writing, but have kept my poetry tucked away in old notebooks. Some are really private as many times I write the very essence of what is going on in my heart, and it would seem weird if I knew it was public... It would be like my soul was naked. But I've decided to put a few on this blog for the heck of it. These are glimpses of my real life, feelings I have felt. They are more like journal entries... This first one is older, from a season of intense questioning of myself during a very insecure time. Part of me cringes to put this up... but whatever. It's honesty from where I was in my thoughts.

"Questions"
by Lindsey Adare
Written in Early Fall 2007


Helpless or helpful?
Potential or ruin?
    Shiny, sparkling with light...
Or dull?


Do I hide my own light?
Is my mouth covered
    that my voice cannot be heard?
Blend in, or stand out?

Holding Too Tightly---Butterfly Metaphor

There are some memories from childhood that we can pull out like books from a shelf. I have several. One such memory is an incident that happened when I was a little girl that still shades my mind. I was playing outside like I normally did when I caught a delicate white butterfly... I was so obsessed with the butterfly that I held it too tightly, and the result was inevitable: I killed it. I remember feeling absolutely horrible. I was a murderer. My heart broke, and I cried over it's fragile broken wings, feeling the realization that it would never fly again.

Maybe that was a mellow-dramatic story to kick off my point, but I'm going somewhere with it. That incident I experienced as a mellow-dramatic child makes me wonder how often we hold so tightly to something dear to us, and so often the end result is we accidentally destroy it. Putting the butterfly killing aside and speaking more metaphorically, how often have I destroyed something dear to me because I was so desperate to keep it? How often do I come close to destroying something now?

God spoke to me last night about something I've been pleading Him for... Again, last night I found myself praying hard for it, and His voice told my heart that I needed to let it go... I knew what He meant: by holding on too tightly I could hurt myself, and potentially hurt others by not resting in His will. He should be in control, not me... Honestly, I pouted that I had to release it. The side of my heart that loves control and feeling in control wrestled with God for several hours into today, but I finally relented. In that release came relief. He didn't tell me I will not receive what I've been praying for: He merely just said I can't hold on so tightly to it anymore.

Winged things deserve to be without bounds, and our lives can be held captive by bounds we put on the things we love. What freedom awaits by trusting instead of holding so tightly? If that metaphorical butterfly happens to stay resting in my hand by itself, isn't that even more amazing than if I made it stay there by force? So I will let go... release... and watch as the possibilities unfold.