New Freedoms, Part One

Lately it seems like I've had one realization after another. One is that I realized that I have a bad attitude about Christmas and need to stop being a scrooge. (My dear John can give account to that realization.) So this Christmas season, I'm tuning in to what Christmas is really about. However, while this was a big step, a bigger one came still, and this one hurt much more than the former. This realization unlocked a memory that I had blocked. The actual memory, I remembered, but the emotional part that of the memory, I had blocked out and not dealt with until recently.

Like any sort of moment of awareness, the sting of the realization came and suddenly memories swept in that I had not considered as a big deal before, but suddenly were placed where they belonged. I remembered not the specific memories, but I remembered the details I had shut out and how they had at the time made me feel... It happened to me as a young girl, and later as a teen, in a situation I didn't understand, and it happened in a Christian setting, specifically in a smaller group of people. I had taken my feelings and bottled them. I had taken hurt and turned it to distrust. Distrust turned into fear, which has made me hide for years.

Eureka!

You may be wondering if I was abused somehow. The answer is no to sexual/physical abuse, yet emotionally and spiritually there was still some damage that I prevented from healing by not recognizing its impact.... until now. I had to get here by looking into a deep, dusty place in my heart that is rarely used or looked at. It hurt to go there, but after was beautiful relief. I had found a big missing piece of a puzzle, and this piece answered my question "why?"... With the puzzle piece getting put it place, it made the picture start to make more sense, as opposed to an awkward gap of unknown. Suddenly, my anxiety in some social situations made sense and I also understood more of where my sense of worth was affected. I also understood how it was even potentially affecting my work, my job, my career.... I had to realize the impact of what happened to me, why it was still important and how it was holding me back in fear, and then let it go. I feel different already. This will take some work, but I'm more than willing to heal, rearrange, and thrive.

If we let it happen, we are all beauty from ashes and we are stories being redeemed.... His story.

Hamster Wheels and Taunting Time

Tonight, I am taking a moment... A rare one, I'm ashamed to admit, in which I am just sitting in complete silence, merely soaking in and reflecting. In these silent moments I have now, I breathe in deeply and realize I don't take enough silent moments. I may have times where a break comes but I do not take enough time to be silent... to listen.... to clear my head. I have been in a habit lately, one I realize now is self-destructive, of being in a moment where I have potential for silence, but my brain is rapidly thinking of the next thing to do.

I pause: it is almost eerie, as if time itself taunts me, mocks me, as if it can feel me wishing I used my time wiser, or perhaps with more potential. I imagine an incandescent messenger telling me I should use my time better. Perhaps this incadescent messenger is my phone or possibly the computer screen in front of me, both showing a digital face with numbers staring back at me... Both reminders of time.

Why do I do this? Is it to run from what I may learn in a moment of silence? What is the fear of growth when it can only make me better, stronger, more efficient for the life I have and will have? Or is it fear of missing out on something? What sense does this really make when I'm missing out on an important factor of human existence? Pausing. And not just any pausing: listening and searching.

Without pausing, the mind I'm convinced can run like a hamster on a wheel. I'm reminded of the nasty hamster I had as a kid, named Georgie. Her cage stayed in my room during the day, but at night she would get moved to the bathroom because if not moved out, the clank clank clank of her wheel would keep me awake at night. (How seemingly perfect for my hamster analogy.) Our minds, like my hamster Georgie's wheel in the wee hours of the morning can go round and round and round, going, going, going, going... Fine for a hamster, yet self-destructive for humans who need to let their brains, and minds, rest.

In this moment, I'm getting off the hamster wheel and making better use of this quiet moment. I need to do this more often. I might miss out otherwise...

Our Deepest Heart's Cry

I have been pondering the issues of the heart a lot over the past few months, and I have had many conversations with loved ones and even strangers about heart issues lately. It's amazing how what is on our minds is brought up multiple times by other people, and it is continued as I am approaching the end of the book Journey of Desire by John Eldridge. 


There is a simple truth we so often avoid: we were created for joy and were given hearts to feel and desire. We avoid this because it's not always "safe" to admit that. We associate desire with "worldly things"... yet this is faulty thinking. It's what we do with desire that turns it from Holy to unholy. The Creator gives us our hearts and puts desire in our hearts. John Eldridge even points out in Chapter 10 of Journey of Desire page 169, "As a rule, most of us live far from our hearts. We need to be much more acquainted with them. We need to know what we want." 


Desire is not a bad thing... Where we get in trouble is trying to find fulfillment of our desires on things of this world. We ultimately desire Him deeply, yet we desperately grab for other things besides Him to fulfill that desire. He is the one our hearts are yearning for, and it's a deep, deep yearning. He instilled in us a desire for joy and we run around sometimes like mice in a maze trying to find something in which we can fulfill that desire... yet outside of Him, the heart honestly can not find it. Addictions, sex, money, power, approval--- the heart not find complete fulfillment there... Even the best and most fervent loves we share with people won't fulfill it completely, and He wants us to love others. He delights in the love between a man and a woman, since He created it for our joy. Yet while still good and holy, and even symbolic of the picture of Christ and His bride (us), love between a man and a woman still can't replace the ultimate need of our hearts... So then what? God wants our attention. He knows that's what our hearts need most, to pay attention to Him.


"When we don't look for God as our true life, our desire for Him spills over into our other desires, giving them an ultimacy and urgency they were never intended to bear. We become desperate, grasping and arranging and worrying over all kinds of things, and once we get them, they end up ruling us. It's the difference between wants and needs. All we truly need is God."... -John Eldridge, Journey of Desire in Chapter 10, page 176


What does this mean? The fact is: our hearts desire. What are we really wanting, past the surface? Him... God knows this and tells us to guard our hearts. It's not to keep our hearts from feeling fun, happiness, and joy--- guarding our hearts means being mindful of things that will destroy our hearts and keep us from living how we were created. Let us guard our hearts so our hearts can love better, deeper. We need to flee from sin and pour into Grace. When the world fails us, when things fail us, when people hurt us, when the things we chase after fail us, hurt us, and leave us unsatisfied, let's follow our deep heart cries to Him. He calls us to align ourselves with Him, and in Him, let the rest of our desires He has given us to fall into their proper place. Then we are called to go out into the world to tell others about the Love we know. Many people need to know about this love offered. People who don't know God desire, too... They need to know what they desire, deep down. 


So my friends... what do you desire? 


(By the way, everyone should read this book by John Eldridge....)

The Root of Indecisiveness

I recently took a personality test and scored very low in the area of Decisiveness, the ability to make decisions. As I thought of this, I realized how often I mule over and over-think things when I have to make a tough choice. I over-analize, second-guess, critique my decision in the end.

Why do I do this?

As I asked myself this, I realized the root of this problem. It's that little monster deep inside me that makes himself known in little ways, yet still he digs his claws enough to be noticed. The Fear monster... Dang it! As I thought I was getting rid of him, I realize he still lives in there, in my heart still safe in his little comfy home. I imagine he's probably soaking in his hot tub now, the little dufus, sipping on champagne, not knowing what's coming next for him. I'm going to make the next few weeks a bumpy ride for him in there. I want him out.

What would life look like if we could live completely without fear? For me, I know I could make decisions faster if I wasn't afraid of the outcome. When faced with a choice, I think, "What if I make the wrong move?" Okay. So what if? What if? What if?... My mistake will add an imperfection, yet I can trust it will be used somehow in my story for the better. I'm learning to say this when faced with a tough choice, "Muscle past Fear, go with the gut, and don't look back."

Perfect Love casts out Fear...

"Where Strength dwells, Fear cannot abide."
This is something God and I have talked through so many times. He is weeding it out of my life. When God uproots deep things from our hearts, it hurts, yet the outcome is more beautiful than we can imagine. I know this is worth it. Already I can see the outcome. He is making me more whole, He is making me stronger, more courageous. I pray for courage. I pray for courage for others. It is key to freedom.

17 Ways to Ruin Relationships

Let's face it: there are some basic rules needing to be practiced to protect relationships, or help get them off on the right track before they even start. I've seen a lot of social awkwardness, drama, and rudeness. (I'm weirded out by it.)  Here are my thoughts and pet peeves about 17 deadly social sins and how to ruin relationships. Note: different types of relationships are mentioned below. They range from dating/male and female interactions, friendships, professional work place, and everyday social situations.

1.) Facebook and Twitter are social websites. Yes, they are useful, but please... please don't use them to arrange a meeting time with friends or, if you're single, ask someone on a date/communicate an interest. We still have phones for those things and they work much better. (Except, good grief... if you're using a phone, please don't ask someone on a date by a text. Use your voice to let them know what you're made out of.) We loose that personal touch that says "I care about you" when we ditch phones and make messaging on a social network site our biggest communication. So you don't have their number? Easy solution: get it! 

2.) Never use someone for your advantage without making sure they benefit, too.... Obviously, using them makes them angry. (Then you wonder why they don't want to be around you anymore?)

3.) You like someone or are in love, but you can't seem to get their attention... Never flirt with another to make them jealous. That's not attractive, it doesn't always work, and can even backfire on you.

4.) Look people in the eye. If you don't, they'll wonder what you're hiding or if you're too aloof to care.

5.) Don't constantly check your phone when you're with people. That body language translates: "I'm not fully interested in being here right now with you".... (Duh)

6.) Hey, Guys! A lot of girls still want to be pursued, no matter what the Women's Movement taught years ago. You need to go get her. (We like that. It goes back to the Knight and Shining Armor thing.) And if she still says "no", and you're a decent guy? Don't be defeated. There's a lot of women out there. Go find the one that will say "yes". I hear way too many single, nice girls complaining that no one asks them out. "Is he scared?" they ask..................................... (Well, are you?)

7.) Hey, Girls! Stop trying to be the guy in the relationship. Let him be the leader. When he offers to do something nice for you, thank him for being a gentleman and don't stomp on him thinking you're too independent for his help. You're not being cute: you're acting dumb.

8.) If you're going to work with friends in business, make sure you understand where money comes in.  Don't take advantage of a good-natured friendship. Too many friendships are ruined over "business", and that's just sad.

9.) Never un-invite "Betty" (we'll call the unnamed person that) to a party saying that plans are cancelled because their ex/someone that makes her feel uncomfortable will be there and you gather with the others behind Betty's back. That just makes you a jerk and weird... Believe it or not, I've seen adults do this, sadly. And it doesn't protect Betty's feelings: it causes more problems. 

10.) You're an employer: don't fire an employee because of a bad attitude when you have a bad attitude yourself. Can you say "hypocrite"?

11.) Dudes, be dudes. Girls, be girls. It works better that way. 

12.) Getting drunk is not attractive. 

13.) Don't expect people to give more than you're giving yourself... Also, don't dominate all conversations. People will think you're struck on yourself and will get annoyed. Share the table.

14.) Fads come and go, and times change, but ethics should never go out of style. Consider what you do, and how you're coming across. Body language is louder than actual words. What's your body saying?

15.) Don't assume invading another's personal space is always welcome.................

16.) Girls: this isn't 5th grade anymore. We're adults, and sly, jealousy-driven actions don't work. If your insecurity affects how you treat others, you're going to be alone. Simple as that.

17.) Someone wronged you: forgive. Staying mad at them creates awkward turtle and doesn't prove anything except your own bitterness. Free yourself from that prison.

Know anyone that fits into these? Do you fit into these? No one is perfect... I'm not perfect, but we have to try harder to not bum around. Use common sense. God gave us all brains: we need to use them.

The Girl In The Mirror: Body Image and Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

The director of our learning conservatory, a few students, and I had a wonderful opportunity of spending a weekend in Chicago this month with the famous Giordano Jazz Dance Chicago company at a workshop they hosted in their historic studio. First I must state that the Giordano people are truly some of the nicest dance professionals I've met. They should be proud of themselves for staying top of the line, yet staying true to beauty in conduction of human communications. I am really wanting to return to Chicago to take more classes under their name.

One thing that happened over the weekend was a very surreal realization. The "skinny dancer" fad is no longer in place. I knew that before, but it came even more to life when I was speaking with Nan Giordano herself about how I had become sick and had lost weight. She, with much concern and care, said as she looked down at my thin frame, "You need more meat on your bones." I loved it! As I stood there hearing her, I thought of countless girls who think they're overweight as dancers. I also thought of myself as a young teen and my struggles.

When I was 14, I battled poor eating habits because I thought I was too fat... instead of taking a healthy approach, I started eating all the time. Ironically, as that young teenager trying so hard to be accepted as a dancer, I gained weight in my fear of being overweight. Also in a growth spurt, my muscles expanded rapidly before my bones knew what to do with them. My legs were like rocks and I felt "chunky"... devastating to an aspiring ballet dancer. I was a sneaky kid, and never told anyone my feelings so my unhealthy habits were unnoticed... (Horrible.) It happened again at 18 when I was injured on and off for nearly a whole year and fell into depression, thinking I could never dance again. I turned to food for comfort: again, some weight gain, but only drastic in my own mind... For the most part, I generally was pretty good at waving fads all into the breeze to just strive to be healthy, and besides those two hiccups in dieting history, I've had relatively uneventful "weight drama" in my dancing years... Yet this past year, I lost way too much weight and became tiny against my will. I wasn't starving myself at all and sought medical help as to why I was loosing weight without trying. I'm much better now as doctors are keeping an eye on it, yet still I'm too thin.

It's funny how times change... just years ago, Balanchine had it set that dancers were thin and frail-looking, and that was "beautiful". Now dance has turned to the "healthy athletic look". I don't really care about fads, but what is healthy, and I want my students to know and believe that about themselves. I tried twice obsessing over food: it doesn't work and only hurts you more as a dancer and individual person. Strive for health, and you'll get it right. Nan Giordano likes healthy, and I like her for her honesty.

Now excuse me while I go eat a burger....

Eating Chicago Deep Dish Pizza... never skip that when you're in Chicago!

Us from TDAC with Nan Giordano

Technology and the Bible Going Hand-In-Hand?

We've all seen it. Technology is moving faster than it has ever moved. Once we get the iphone 3G, it's already soon to be outdated and we have to upgrade to the 4G. (Now the 5G is coming.) The Myspace rage is a thing of the past. Facebook took it's place, then twitter arose, and some manage both at the same time and call it "Twitface". (Oh, and then if you still do myspace as well, you can say "MyTwitFace".) When just a few years ago we stared at the computer screen waiting on dial up internet, now we check emails from our phones. We can talk face-to-face with people from all over the globe using Skype. (A personal example is that my church a while back watched our pastor speak to us all the way from Israel on a Sunday morning by way of Skype on the big screen during the service...) We also now have talking cars, and Ford is working on cars that can tell the driver when his/her allergies may flare up. (Ha what?!) Just last century, a man who bought a new Ford vehicle when it was just invented thought he was awesome stuff driving up to pick up his lady going about 20 miles an hour. People freaked out when the concept of TV came out and little people seemed trapped in a box; now talk of holograms becoming more available is on the rise. ("Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi", sorry if that was nerdy. Had to do it.)

Amazing. Our world is now made up of wires, cameras, tracking devices, airplanes, cars that talk to you and tell you how healthy you are, and holograms when just a few years ago, the concept of a text message seemed unbelievable.... So what does it mean? That man is getting smarter? Well, yeah, but more importantly, in a world changing so fast and furiously, is an old book like the Bible able to be used beyond giving words of advice and leading us to God? For sure it is, and it even tells us this would all happen.

It states in Daniel 12:4 that in the last days "...Many will go back and forth, and knowledge will increase." We all can see that knowledge has increased, for sure. It's moving extremely fast. And are we traveling more? We can answer yes, for certain. Remember that old Ford car that I mentioned before? Now we have talking cars, we have airplanes, and there are astronauts that go into outer space.

We're in the last days, and it's obvious if we look around us and compare it to what was written in the Bible. About the return of Jesus---can we predict the hour? No, as it states that only God knows, yet we can look at clues that Jesus is close to returning. The Word of God is still relevant, and prophesies that were written way before our time are still mapping out today. For me, that makes my faith even more compelling to live out and believe. The Author of all is still at it, and we are Living the Unfinished Story.

Desires Of Our Hearts: What To Do With Them, Part 2

In 1577, my favorite poem ever was written. It was beautifully crafted from a heart's cry that echoes into this day. Whenever I read these words, my own heart pumps in agreement. I desire to live this way... What should we do with dreams and desires of our hearts? I think this author boldly wrote the answer long ago.

"Disturb us, Lord,
When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.


Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
With the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life
We have ceased our dreams of eternity,
And in our efforts to build a new earth
We have allowed our vision
Of the new heaven to dim.


Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where loosing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.


We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love."

~Attributed to Sir Francis Drake, 1577


Dream. Live. Dare. Go boldly to answer God's calling. Stay thirsty for Him... To do without is like a ship in a sea of doldrums.

Dance And The Supermoon

Photography by Vince Wallace of Silver Hill Images. (www.silverhillimages.com)
Dancer: Lindsey Adare Fisher

Art and nature can work wonderfully well together. In this case, it was when the Perigee Moon was boasting it's full and large face across the night on March 18 & 19, and my friend Vince Wallace (photographer of Silver Hill Images) and I were working on an artistic collaboration. He wanted to capture the moon it its closeness to the earth while having a dancer leaping underneath its brilliance. What you can see below is what we came up with while the moon was rising. (The moon in this first one is obviously made bigger by photoshop.)

We had faced some challenges to make these happen... 1.) We were using a field with a no trespassing sign on it. (That was Vince's idea, not mine.) 2.) We didn't know exactly which direction the moon would rise, so he set up his cameras and lights by guesswork. 3.) Then when we were about to go, the portable battery for his lights blew! We had no lights... for a night photoshoot in an open field way out in the country... How was this going to work?! What happened next was a bit comical if one could see. I will post part of a note that Vince wrote so he can explain what happened in his words, since I'm not excellently good at explaining photography/tech stuff... (That's another reason I dance!)

"Pacing frantically back and forth, I came up with PLAN B.  I would use my Canon 580EX flash off-camera to light Lindsey. Brilliant!  Except that I had no remote trigger for the 580EX – so here’s how it would go down:  I would put the camera on 10 sec. self-timer.  Then I would fire the shutter, sprint 50 yards to Lindsey while she was counting down.  Fire the flash manually pointed directly at her at the split-second apex of her jump, and run back to check the image, make any mental adjustments to my flash position, fire the next shutter, and sprint another 50 yards to do it all again.... A half hour later, we were thanking God neither of us had twisted ankles or herniated discs, and that we’d had the privilege of doing something very few have done – dancing with the Perigree Super Moon."

Desires of Our Hearts: What To Do With Them?

"The only fatal error is to pretend that we have found the life we prize. To mistake the water hole for the sea. To settle for the same old thing." ~John Eldridge from Journey to Desire

I have been going through Journey to Desire by John Eldridge. In the book, he deals with what to do with the desires of our hearts in our lives. Do we bury dreams or chase them? Since we live in a fallen world, our dreams are harder to completely obtain, and many times we do without reaching our fullest dreams. Our hearts ache and yearn for something, and that something is called more. We were created for wholeness but since The Fall when we lost Eden, we cannot reach that wholeness here on earth. Yet our God as He loves us still beckons us to push for our goals, to reach for the desires of our hearts while being in His will.

In the book, Eldridge asks over and over again "Do we dare?"... In a life that seems to continuously disappoint us when our dreams aren't reached, how do we cope? Let's face it: people let us down. We get injured. A relationship is broken off. Death happens. We don't get the job... When we're on the road to chasing dreams but obstacles keep standing in the way or slowing us down, how do we handle ourselves? Do we still dare to dream? Do we dare to trust and chase? Do we dare keep our hearts alive?
Personally, I've had dreams that have been knocked down and shaken, and it's a dare to keep dreams alive when the outcome isn't certain. It's a dare to walk the unknown journey.

To kill desire and to cease dreaming is like killing our hearts, which is not what our God wants for us. He is a passionate God who created us to live out passionate lives. He created us to desire wholeness, which is part of the beauty of His saving love, as we can never fully attain that wholeness without being with Him... We will never gain that 100% wholeness here on this earth since it is a fallen world. Greater things are coming when we're face to face with our Lord, which gives us hope. Yet here on this earth in this time, we must still hold on to dreams.

Eldridge posts something by Langston Hughes within the book's pages:

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. ("Dreams")

Keep your heart alive. Allow yourself the boldness to chase after the desires of your heart. Dare to dream.... and read Journey to Desire by John Eldridge. :)

Superhuman or Curse? Dealing With Sensory Processing Disorders

Ready to dive into a mystery of the brain and five senses? Below are a few questions to ask yourself. Do you know anyone experiencing these characteristics, including yourself?

-Feelings of being overwhelmed by the visual (such as flashing lights) or auditory stimuli? This
 overwhelmed feeling can be as dramatic as thoughts of sheer panic.
-Easily startled by loud noises, "shut down", or become very nervous in settings where loud music is      
 constant or loud talking is present?
-Extremely sensitive to textures or touch? (Do seams of socks bother you? Do some fabrics simply drive
 you crazy?)
-Trouble sleeping after being on the computer or watching TV?
-Unrelated to hormonal changes, are you hot or cold when others seem comfortable?
-Tolerance to Pain?
-Ability to smell something before others can?
-Incredibly in tune or seemingly unaware to bodily needs? (Such as, frankly, needing to urinate or    
 frequent hunger, or lack thereof?)
-Easily Distracted?
-Can't be still and need to always be moving?
-Been labeled as "unsocial" or misunderstood because you tend to withdraw socially?

If you answered yes to any of these, read on. You are not alone: it could be very well a Sensory Processing Disorder, a condition in which the brain does not organize signals from the senses into appropriate responses. This is why certain sounds, smells, visual stimuli (such as flashing lights), textures, etc. can range from unbearable to a mere annoyance. Sometimes persons with an SPD only experiences 1 of the 5 sensory effects, such as they only experience sensitivity to sound while all other senses are normal.  Sometimes the brain takes in information about the hazard of signals and misfires, which is why the person's "fight or flight" reaction can be heightened to unreasonable actions. This is why it can be easy to startle a person with an SPD by simply tapping them on the shoulder. Senses can either be hypersenstive or hyposensitive. Sensory Processing Disorders are most commonly diagnosed in children, but adults can also suffer with symptoms. Sometimes it is "hidden" and goes undetected, and labeled as "quirky" or, sadly, wrongly diagnosed. Yet when proper treatment has been given, these adults are completely functioning but they may occasionally feel the annoyances these symptoms can exude.

I am a functioning and "normal" adult, though I myself occasionally experience some hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity pertaining to the senses that causes some annoyance, rather than trauma or disability. While I haven't been diagnosed by doctors, as my symptoms are mild and not very dramatic, I know how the sensations from an SPD can cause feelings of insecurity. As a child, I frequently felt overwhelmed at parties or other areas where loud talking or loud music was present. As a teenager, I found myself emotionally shutting down after prolonged exposure to auditory stimuli. Also, my friends found my startled over-reaction and devastation entertaining if they hid behind doors and jumped out to scare me. (Comical, I'll admit.) People have also been surprised at my high tolerance to physical pain. In the end, I have learned to cope with these hyposensitivities and hypersensitivities. It is normal to me.
Learning to cope also meant learning the value of recharging in periodic isolation. Finding value in being quiet and still meant discovering the ability to be stronger in public. However, even today, if I'm exposed in really loud settings for a long period of time, I "zone out" or become increasingly nervous and have a hard time carrying on conversation. While it's a little quirky, I know I'm not socially awkward.  It's just my nerves have become overloaded and it's time to take a rest to recharge the "emotional batteries".

If you or someone you know has an SPD, there is value in finding comfort in occasional peaceful solitude. You need it to recharge, and don't let others condemn you for being "unsocial". Even Jesus Himself sought solitude. "... and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray." Luke 5:15-16 

Just don't stay in solitude for too long. :)

"Oops! Did I Just Say That?"

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we walked around and just blurted out everything that was on our minds. It would mean there would be little secrets and everyone would know where they stood with each other. It would mean employees and employers would be more open with each other. It would mean the guy simply tells the girl he likes her, or vise versa. And it would mean you tell Aunt Barbara you haven't worn the Christmas sweater she gave you because you hate wearing Santa's face across your chest as a grown adult....


AND... we probably wouldn't have many friends. So, we can't blurt everything out. One can be too honest, after all. Yet, we shouldn't be afraid to speak our minds, right? How do we know where to draw the boundary?


There needs to be a balance. I have noticed that I don't say what is on my mind nearly enough, and it's something I am making a goal to change. But I don't want to go so far that I become offensive to others. I think manners is the sealer of honesty. If it is rude to say it, I should refrain, unless my opinion has been asked. For example, I was asked the other day by a guy friend for my "fashion opinion" of what he was wearing, and I had to be honest in saying his shoes weren't working out well. This wasn't offensive: why? Because I had been asked, and I answered in diplomacy, or what was my best attempt at diplomacy. Sometimes we get too honest for the sake of being honest, when we should still put ourselves in the other person's shoes. (No pun intended.) It's a delicated balance of saying the truth, but keeping manners.


So how do we do this? I think it's a matter of saying truth in the other person's best interest. It's just loving people well and showing respect. What would it mean to say the truth with the other person's best interest? I think it would mean more clarity in all relationships. If honesty came out of the other's best interest, guys and girls would know whether they are dating as in a romantic relationship, or if they are friends who enjoy each other's company. Employers and employees would be communicating clearer if they have been honest for the other's best interest. Maybe the boss needs to say the employee isn't executing properly, or the employee needs to ask for a Saturday off. (I realize those were lame examples, but I'm just typing mere ideas.) And Aunt Barbara---Hmmm Aunt Barbara... well, I'm not sure how Aunt Barbara should be told the sweater she gave you is tacky. (Maybe you should not say anything at all? Again, I'm not claiming to be any expert. ha!)


To sum this up, before blurting out the truth or holding the truth back completely out of fear of embarrassing or hurting someone or yourself, remember this one line:


"Speak the truth in love." ~Ephesians 4:5 


Sums it up well, I'd say.

Belonging... Never Alone

Belong... We use this word a lot in our lifestyles and thoughts. We say things like "I don't belong in a job like this," or "He is too big-city-minded to belong in a town so quiet," or "I wish I truly felt like I belonged somewhere." This last one is a pattern easily adopted into our thinking. "I wish I belonged somewhere." It's a sad, hopeless statement, especially when doubt settles in to the point where this thought becomes, "I'm afraid I'll never belong to anyone or anywhere." This one also, if we're not careful, is easily adopted into our thinking and can hurt us.

Sometimes, our hearts drift toward concepts that cause us hurt: sometimes things happen and we may feel like outcasts, or like wanderers looking for the next thing, or like we don't fit in quite well, uncertain and afraid of identity, or just lonely. Since I have been about sharing and being open, here is another layer of my heart that has been shed, but now will be made public: I struggled with questions and doubts of belonging. I somehow had adopted it into my thinking so smoothly, I barely noticed it was there. It had become so deeply rooted into my thoughts, it became normal to feel insecure in these questions. I didn't realize how much these lies and doubts had led me into a trap... until a friend sat me down and told me to be careful with my association with those ideas and that she'd been praying against those thoughts in me. Wow. What was awesome was that I hadn't even told her about this struggle. I had covered it up, not even thinking there was anything wrong with it. But there I was exposed before my friend and held accountable. What was huge is my eyes were opened as she talked with me. I had allowed those ideas to hurt my heart, but was lifted and encouraged as she said in truth, "You belong. You're a child of God... You are part of the Body." 

Satan loves for us to feel alone or like wanderers, because it can cut us off from our fellow brothers and sisters of the Body... and that's just what he wants. But we belong. Belong... The truth settled in as my friend spoke that to me. No matter what the circumstance, no matter how insecure we may feel at times, if we are sealed in Christ, we are part of the Body. We are held together as one, no matter what. Some things may not be permanent as we are taken into different seasons and times, but the truth is we are never alone. Not alone, not outcasts, not rejects. Wrapped in this concept the mind is allowed to be free and healthy. I belong, you belong, we belong. 

Another thing... When our minds are in this, we are free in love and peace. And we need to act in this freedom and reach out to our brothers and sisters in love. Love. Love is the greatest gift, and there are plenty of opportunities to love as we have been loved. Sealed in love, we are together, never alone.

The Smile: Two Meanings?

In my dealings with people (and my dealings with myself), I have come to realize that a smile can have two meanings. While I'm no expert on human behavior, I yearn for a discerning spirit as I interact with people. So here is what is bouncing around in my brain about The Smile.

The Smile's two meanings.

1.) It can denote the inner feelings of true happiness as a radiance of outward expression, or of loving expression towards others (friendliness). This is the one we are familiar with, the one we expect.

or....

2.) It can actually be an inner cry for help, disguised as a mask of sorts.

Picturing this, I just wonder how many times I have passed by a smiling face and mistook it for a playful countenance or The "I'm doing just great" Face... I wonder how many times I have passed by an opportunity to simply ask, "How are you doing?" from genuine concern. Something I have seen burst from these alleged "Mask-Wearers" is a pleasant surprise if they happen to be caught wearing the fake smile (used to cover up feelings of hurt) and have been asked how they really are doing. They don't expect to be discovered, but somehow deep down, I think they were yearning to be noticed and are happy someone saw beyond the lie. Remembering this, I wonder how many others have expected me to see the truth behind their mask, and were they upset if I missed it? Turning this on myself, I also wonder how many times have I put on this "mask" and expected others to see the truth behind it? 

This digs down into a deeper thought level... I think there could be different answers to this, but two I'm pondering at the moment are the duties of the "Mask-Wearer" and of the "Truth-Seeker". 

1.) If we are the "Mask-Wearer" (aka the ones wearing the fake smile to cover up pain), it is perfectly human to remove the mask and be ourselves. That is our duty. Masks are unhealthy for us and everyone around us because they conceal the truth. Something I have seen, too, is that if we wear the "mask" long enough, we boil over and eventually explode.

2.) What I'm about to write next has two points... If we are the "Truth-Seeker" (aka someone who has a gift in seeing beyond what is there, the gift of discernment), I think we should remember to "bear one another's burdens". On the other hand, I don't think it's our duty to save everyone wearing masks. We can ask by prayer what our role should be when interacting with these people.

In essence, whether we're the one wearing the mask or the one that sees beyond another's mask, I think our duties can be summed up to an old lesson. Maybe you heard it as a 1st grader sitting in Miss Betty's Sunday School class...

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

~The Golden Rule, taken from Luke 6:31

Hmmm, something to ponder. Any thoughts?

Confessions of A 21-year old Drama Queen

The title is well-suited. I am currently 21, an age I don't announce often, and I am a Drama Queen. Why have I kept my age hidden until now? Somehow I'd convinced myself that in order to be successful as a person, business person, whatever the heck I try to be, that being young is somehow inferior in a world of older professionals. That is a lie and I love truth. This thought process is about to change. I found myself thinking recently that I must celebrate youth and stop being such an age snob.


Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity. ~1 Timothy 4:12


So "Drama Queen"... I don't like that title, and I'm not proud of it at all, but this blog entry is about honesty and telling it like it is, so I'm not going to sugarcoat the problem. Drama Queen... (ouch.) So here comes the real confession time of what has happened to me the past 6 months. It is not pretty. Brace yourself as I brace myself to lay down my pride.


I have become sick. It started in October when I decided to rearrange my career ideals a bit and somehow I became so wrapped up in my goals I lost myself. The mind is a strange thing... I started suffering spiritually, mentally, and physically. I stressed out, always running to the next job, studying, making "to-do lists"... I was striving so hard to please others and to be proud of myself that I literally started wasting away... I lost a lot of weight, and people started asking if I was okay. My hair started falling out in big chunks. I had tension in my neck and shoulders, so I was in pain often. Many begged me to go to the doctor, but I was too stubborn. And my ridiculous process continued and quickly worsened. It was like I was killing myself slowly. 


As I'm admitting this, I have tears in my eyes. I want others to know, to be warned, and I want to beg them not to do what I did. I had withered away to 107 lbs. As a 5 ft 7", athletic dancer, that is WAY to little! I remember the first time I saw how tiny my body had become. I looked in the mirror one day while I was teaching ballet, and it's like my eyes were opened to reality. My muscles had gone away, bones were sticking out, and it hurt to dance. My JOB hurt! My passion for dance withered away because physically it had become too stressful on my fragile body. I continued working as a dance instructor, but slowly rehearsing my own dreams at the studio became more of a chore than a desire. Even with my Illusion learning, I suffered. What started out as something I just wanted to do quickly became something I felt I HAD to do, like just another item on the "to do list". When I lost passion for my goals, FEAR possessed me. I did not know what I was doing, and was afraid I wouldn't figure it out. It was a deadening... a limbo of sorts. Questions haunted me and I felt close to worthless. My mentors and my family became extremely worried as they saw me metaphorically drowning, because I still was very thin and wasn't gaining weight, though I tried desperately to gain. The pounds simply wouldn't come back, and my hair had thinned considerably. Chronic fatigue set in. Headaches pushed into my skull everyday. Pain in my neck made itself more prominent, an obvious injury... Depression settled in, and pressure to pursue my dreams only drove me deeper into a hole. 


Answers and Dealing With Truth:
To sum this up: stress, pride, and an injury was the cause of the past few months being so dark. I am under treatment with Dr. Josh Axe of Exodus Health Center, and already I am feeling better. Mentally, I am chilling for now, focusing on my Lord, Who makes the darkness come to light. As my body is healing itself, I'm focusing on healing my mind... Stress that is self-inflicted is dangerous. As I rid that monster out of me, it is a bittersweet time. I am making myself take a sabbatical, a welcome break. I hurt, I cry, and for the first time in a while, I'm allowing myself to feel those emotions without masquerading them. I still dream but I am just being in the present, enjoying the lifted spirit I am getting back. 


Hope is returning. My passion for dance and teaching is returning. I just want to tell others not to do what I did, especially young adults and teens. Society already puts enough pressure on us, and we don't need to add anything on ourselves. Yes, doctors found a neck injury and a Vitamin D deficiency that is being corrected, but I could have handled my mind a lot better. Making unrealistic demands on myself is not what my God called me into. He specifically told me to be FREE and tell others to be free. The chains I have been putting on myself to be perfect and successful had made me a hypocrite and disobedient to His calling on my life. For this I am so sorry... to my Lord, to my friends, to my family. I say "No more". I have a message, a voice, and it needs to be heard. I will not allow my own junk to silence this voice anymore. I am healing. :)


If you are reading this, please don't do what I did. You don't have to be perfect. Success is not all it's measured to be, especially if it makes you sick! Pursue dreams, chase your goals, but know your strengths, your bounds. Push, but don't break. Learn the balance of being the best you can be without demanding unrealistic ideals upon yourself... I am learning this and am re-creating my life to be shaped in a new priority fashion. 


Much love, in peace...
Lindsey

Ponderings: Essentials and Eternity

    As I sit here in the woods on a sunny day in winter, I am caressing the moment of stopping life just to BE... To breathe in the moment... To dwell in the moment of unknown except the existence of NOW. It's an empowering moment of weakness and vulnerability. I am strong to admit I am weak, and I am weak to say I'm strong. In this moment, I know a fact I choose to ignore often: I have to toss off weight, all the unnecessary bondage that keeps me from being free... What would life look like for me if I stopped trying so hard? What would happen if I stopped thinking about all but the necessary? I have potential to ruin myself by trying to be so wise that I go above and beyond Being and pondering the essential. In my wisdom, I can become foolish. By becoming foolish, I can become wise... The concept sounds like an unfairly bizarre riddle but the Wisest One first said it by Paul's writing.
    In the moment I'm in, I can feel the ache in creation... The birds are singing and a distant train blows it's horn---all signs of life and normalcy, but somehow I can sense brokenness. Just to get to this special place tucked off in the brush on top a rock on the cliff in the park, I watched my back and my surroundings just to make sure there was no threatening character lurking around. It seems poetically backwards to have to trek through potential danger to get to a place to pray and think in peace. I am reminded that the world as we know it is dangerous and violent, and will continue to be so before our King returns to make all right. In the dead shadows, I feel like creation knows this... It's a haunting yet beautiful thing, like nature knows something better than do our human minds. We are easily distracted from essentials.
    The essentials are that Truth is coming again to bring us Home into Eternity, and whatever time here in this dangerous and broken world is important. We have purpose but we waste it on the things that will not be eternal. This time and world is now and temporarily ours to borrow. What are we doing with our borrowed time? Wasting it on the things that will not matter in the immortal life coming? When we are before the Creator of Time and His life and breath is everything, how will we feel about what we did in the previous age? Soon I will make the hike back down to my car to my city, where I will see the groan and the hope of my society. I pray I can keep my mind on the essentials. What am I doing? Will I practice what I preach? Will I strip myself of extra weight and keep my eyes on the horizon ahead? It's a race...
    Earthly things---this will pass away. Our King is coming to bring death to evil and awaken all things good. Push for that. The Wise One is coming to teach us Who He really is, and the ones that know Him will be amazed. We underestimate Him because our understanding is too wise by this world's standards. (For now we see in a mirror dimly, but soon we shall see face to face. -1 Corinthians 13:12) God is beyond logic since He is Himself is a miracle. We must have child-like hearts to understand just a part of Him, and even then we still don't understand. (Matthew 18:1-4) He is beyond spells, magic, and powers of man. He is the Master of Miracles and King of Power. He is the reason we are here... The Mysterious One full of love will soon be understood... Our minds will be made new to be wise by His standards. By this wisdom, we know that the wisest in this world are foolish. (For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside. Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" -1 Corinthians 1:19-20)
    Compared to a Lord like this God, who are we to say that we have things figured out? We may be wise in this age and world---even wiser than ever before now that science is increasingly getting more elaborate---but we still have only brushed the surface of His wisdom. Who am I to be so arrogant at times to be comfortable in my own logic and wisdom? Before the Lord who created me, I am a mere speck, and yet I carry unnecessary weight in my own arrogance... However, I find this a comfort that I know little compared to Him: even the wisdom of now feels empty, because I know there is more. I will see the Wise One in a day coming, when He makes all things right. 
     I leave this quiet place now to return to my fast-paced world... knowing all is temporary and better things and new life is coming.

Poetry Session 4: "Flight Dare"

"Flight Dare"
by Lindsey Adare
Written December 2010

"I can feel it---the shaking in my spirit.
The burn for risk, yet desire for safe.
As the way of eagles, the nest is disassembled,
And this bird is left perching on thorns,
When the sky is the limit, when fear baffles...

Do I dare trust my own wings?

I hear whispers---my soul shivers,
"How is the bold afraid?" I ask,
When the Trusted One gives a dare.
I doubt, argue, question, diminish.
Surely I can't be ready for this?

Do I trust the wings I was given?

Yet a rumbling soul---it takes control,
And at this I know what needs to come.
I go, jump, leaving thorns behind...
Laughing: daringly agreeing the challenge.
Flying: I was created for this."