Poetry Session 3: "The Grudge"

"The Grudge"
by Lindsey Adare
Written March 24, 2008


How the determined hearts yearn to forget
All the broken memories of yesterday.
And how split hearts try to disguise pain,
But brokenness does not mend right away.


The strength is not there to erase the past,
And bitterness is always the worst judge.
How proud hearts yearn to be free of pain,
And to cleanse the stain of The Grudge.


I think we all can relate to fear of monsters. When we were children, they hid under our beds or in our closets... (Don't laugh, you know you had that fear, too.) Now that we're older, we have different fears and different monsters.  Some monsters seem harmless at first, then they take their bite... Some come out quickly, and some take their time to make themselves known... One such monster is an ugly one called The Grudge. This monster creeps in slowly, meticulously digging its claws into our hearts... embedding himself into our thoughts over the course of time. Sometimes, we don't know The Grudge is there, and he's able to quietly fester to become stronger until we loose track of ourselves. The Grudge is a dangerous monster, one to be feared, for certain. Some proud hearts fight him, but once The Grudge has found a home in a heart, he is difficult to get rid of by one's own strength.

So what makes him attach himself to us in the first place? Like sharks drawn to blood, The Grudge feeds off hearts that have been broken and are storing up anger and bitterness. A bitter heart is like pure sweetness to him, and he can feed so quietly sometimes his victim never suspects he has invaded until The Grudge has taken over his life.

So how can we get rid of The Grudge? The answer is Forgiveness. I believe at some point in our lives we all find ourselves in the scenario of having to forgive someone from our pasts, or we find ourselves in that place of desperation, knowing it's either let go or be satisfied with The Grudge's invasion. In short, to get rid of The Grudge, we have to forgive those who hurt us in the past. We must forgive ourselves, too, and be forgiven. That's where Grace comes in... otherwise known as Jesus ("who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases," Psalm 103:3). He is the master at removing The Grudge, simply because He has to have full access to our hearts for the removal process to work, and when He has full access, The Grudge has no more room to dwell. However, one should know that once The Grudge is gone, this monster is known to leave a stain behind from the monster's slime, but don't worry. The stain may take some time to remove, but that's where the Holy Spirit comes in... His job is to heal and clean our hearts.

We all have probably experienced The Grudge's invasion at some point, I myself not excluded. I had The Grudge... and he was removed, one claw at at time, from my heart. Then a stain was left behind to prove where he lived--- a stain which the Holy Spirit is still cleaning. It's all good, though... I'm just glad to have my heart worked on by Someone so cool.

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

Poetry Session 2

I was searching through all my ramblings and found one that I thought might kinda sorta be suitable for the Christmas season. So considering it being Christmas Eve, here's another one!

"Mystery Reflection"
by Lindsey Adare,
Written March 2010


Embracing the peace that comes after the chaos,
The whole night to wrap you in shadows then light.
Mystery, mystique, crying tears of victory and defeat---
Isn't this how it is?


The relief that comes after the truth is exposed,
The guilt that kills when a lie is covered in full.
Twisted, resisted, truth founded and undefeated---
Isn't this how it is?


Have you found what you thought couldn't be found?
A lost memory, a hidden hope, a sun in the night?
Serenity, Security, laughter from now to eternity---
Isn't this how it is?


Have you leaned on strength that wasn't your own?
Rode on wings and not sure where they came from?
Unafraid, undone, letting go of what has already begun---
Isn't this how it is?


I have embraced, resisted, exposed, stood undefeated.
I have found what was hidden, rode on mystery Wings.
Stretched, sustained, all and nothing I have gained---
But Peace... This is how it is.

Poetry Session 1

I have always loved writing, but have kept my poetry tucked away in old notebooks. Some are really private as many times I write the very essence of what is going on in my heart, and it would seem weird if I knew it was public... It would be like my soul was naked. But I've decided to put a few on this blog for the heck of it. These are glimpses of my real life, feelings I have felt. They are more like journal entries... This first one is older, from a season of intense questioning of myself during a very insecure time. Part of me cringes to put this up... but whatever. It's honesty from where I was in my thoughts.

"Questions"
by Lindsey Adare
Written in Early Fall 2007


Helpless or helpful?
Potential or ruin?
    Shiny, sparkling with light...
Or dull?


Do I hide my own light?
Is my mouth covered
    that my voice cannot be heard?
Blend in, or stand out?

Holding Too Tightly---Butterfly Metaphor

There are some memories from childhood that we can pull out like books from a shelf. I have several. One such memory is an incident that happened when I was a little girl that still shades my mind. I was playing outside like I normally did when I caught a delicate white butterfly... I was so obsessed with the butterfly that I held it too tightly, and the result was inevitable: I killed it. I remember feeling absolutely horrible. I was a murderer. My heart broke, and I cried over it's fragile broken wings, feeling the realization that it would never fly again.

Maybe that was a mellow-dramatic story to kick off my point, but I'm going somewhere with it. That incident I experienced as a mellow-dramatic child makes me wonder how often we hold so tightly to something dear to us, and so often the end result is we accidentally destroy it. Putting the butterfly killing aside and speaking more metaphorically, how often have I destroyed something dear to me because I was so desperate to keep it? How often do I come close to destroying something now?

God spoke to me last night about something I've been pleading Him for... Again, last night I found myself praying hard for it, and His voice told my heart that I needed to let it go... I knew what He meant: by holding on too tightly I could hurt myself, and potentially hurt others by not resting in His will. He should be in control, not me... Honestly, I pouted that I had to release it. The side of my heart that loves control and feeling in control wrestled with God for several hours into today, but I finally relented. In that release came relief. He didn't tell me I will not receive what I've been praying for: He merely just said I can't hold on so tightly to it anymore.

Winged things deserve to be without bounds, and our lives can be held captive by bounds we put on the things we love. What freedom awaits by trusting instead of holding so tightly? If that metaphorical butterfly happens to stay resting in my hand by itself, isn't that even more amazing than if I made it stay there by force? So I will let go... release... and watch as the possibilities unfold.

The Illusion of the Invincible

    Sometimes I tend to portray an untrue reality about myself. Whether subconscious or conscious decision, it does not matter: I realize truth must come out. So here I am, soul laid bare for these three minutes.
    I am not running by my own strength. It would make me a liar to pretend to live in the illusion of the invincible. Therefore, I admit I am not always strong. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I'm so tired of fighting what hurts in the ocean of doubt that I don't know what end is up.
    Also, I don't know what hurts more---playing invincible, or admitting the truth that I am not. But when truth comes out, when I no longer hide behind illusions I create, and when I admit I am not as strong as I appear... then His voice becomes stronger when He says, "You're not, but I am." It is these moments of reality checks that I'm down to essentials: I am not invincible, but He is, and I desperately need His strength like we all do. That is human, and it's the covering of Love's wings that make it all okay.
    I think there must be a delicate balance between fighting to be strong and accidentally creating an illusion to others around that nothing hurts. My dim mind seems to blend these two well enough that I get wrapped in my own creation, then I'm surprised at my struggle when confronted with reality. I hope one day I can master the balance.... The truth is that I am a fighter, but I am not invincible, and I cannot live in such an illusion so that reality is forgotten. Truth and illusion must become separate.

Not Just Dance, But All

I have danced since I was really little, and it's been a passion that has dedicated me to the studio ever since. Dance studios have become ever so familiar, as they do for all dancers. The familiar barre, the floor, the mirrors that nobody likes because they always feel to big. (oy vey!) The familiar plie, jete, grand allegro...
Like it does for many who make this a lifestyle, dance in general has become very familiar... However, with me and my adventurous spirit, I get easily bored with familiar. So what do you do when you get bored with what you have dedicated so much time to and still love?

Before answering that question, I'm going to state my opinion. Becoming bored with the familiar is not a bad thing: I think it's a process many go through before the beginning of something. Like for me, it has challenged me to do something about it by thinking bigger! By thinking bigger I'm in the process of re-shaping a few things about my dance lifestyle. I'm going to get unfamiliar. Build something new: combine something. Do something strange and unexpected. Use resources and pull together different things to create a new style.

What are your thoughts? Have you ever become bored with the familiarity of your art form? Have you ever experienced boredom that in the end broke you out of a box into something fresh and new?

Tell-Tale Sign Of A Church: The Women's Bathroom?

Let me state my case. Maybe the title made you curious and maybe you think I'm crazy at this point, but read on. Because of the lifestyle I had growing up, I saw many churches and many types of churches. I performed in several and also traveled with my dad a bit (he's a speaker/evangelist). Maybe you have seen many churches, too. If so, you probably know this: after a while, you start feeling a vibe, and can quickly come to conclusions about each church. Some ways to do this are obvious, others aren't. But I have discovered one way that is a bit unorthodox. If you are a woman or girl, you will probably understand this. See if you can find yourself in this scenario:

You're new to a church, or just visiting for your first time, and after being welcomed by greeters, you realize you have to go. You find the women's bathroom, being sure not to go into the wrong one (you know, still trying to make a good impression or whatever), and if it's a larger church, you might wait in line... This is where it can happen. Once you have entered into this room, the stares and glances turn your direction. You immediately feel like an outsider when you felt fine out in the church hallway. Now that you're in here, you feel like Daniel in the lion's den. Your eyes scan the room as you begin to understand the situation around you. Women come out of stalls, and with down-cast eyes, turn to the sink to wash their hands and fix their hair/makeup. They might check out the woman next to them... you know, to make sure she is either not a threat, or if she is, to search for something wrong with her (especially true in single groups, because that girl might have her eye on a certain dude running around in the hall outside)... They might check out what you're wearing. You're not feeling welcomed, but you feel strange being in a closed room without speaking to someone, so you turn to the girl next to you and say something funny as you laugh, hoping it's an ice-breaker... she just glares at you and scoffs loftily. You've been shut down, and are thankful when the next stall opens and fly into it: the sooner you can get out of here, the better.

Does this scene sound familiar to you? While it's a bit comical, this scenario was not made up: it happened to me at a large church in my hometown. Actually, I have found this scenario true in many churches unfortunately. The church might seem cool, but I say you don't really know a church until you walk into the women's bathroom and find out how you're treated. Sometimes, you really can tell a church by the way the women's bathroom scenario plays out. If you're treated well and not snubbed to death like you're the dead mouse that cat just drug in, then perhaps that's a good sign the church is friendly and emotionally safe.... and well, if you feel like an outsider of a club and/or feel like the icy stares make Antarctica seem warm, it's a pretty good guess you've walked into an unfriendly, perhaps emotionally unsafe church.

My question is: why do women feel like they can be catty and it not be wrong? Even at church? A woman can be so rude in the women's bathroom and go out and lead worship with a God-honoring smile on her face... Huh? I have a really hard time with this. It confuses me, and frankly, this is another reason why I have seen so many churches because once I see something like this, I usually move on quickly. Many churches are just not friendly, and I have a hard time staying in a place that makes me feel like I'm in a danger-zone just for existing. This has happened to me on many occasions, but I'm not new to the church scene. I can just imagine how a new-comer into the whole church scene feels when this happens. It's confusing because they see hypocrisy. Isn't church supposed to be better than this? Yes. Isn't the body of believers in the Church supposed to love each other? Yes. Is the women's bathroom at church the best place to make friends? Probably not because that's a bit awkward, but come on---at least we can be nice. In all seriousness, when women are shut off in their own room, away from the men, sometimes their true colors come out. What color do we want to show? What color do we want to show the searching new-comer? What color do we want to show each other? Do we show that we are cold and and threatening, or warm and loving? With the rest of society and the world watching what we do, we must be more careful how our actions carry out. People notice little things, and little things can change minds forever.

So one thing we can all know from this: the women's bathroom just might be what's hurting your church, or someone else. Something to consider...

When You Get Stuck... Be Proactive, Not Reactive.

I have been learning and having many conversations with others lately about not settling in bad circumstances that surround you. If you are unhappy with a current situation, you don't always have to be a victim, and for sure don't look in the rear-view mirror at the bad things in the past to keep you frozen in the present. There was a time when I was so frozen in time by looking in the rear-view mirror that I stopped looking in the direction I was headed. This stalled me, paralyzing me from making decisions and even put me in great depression. I was not taking action; I was merely sitting in my misery, waiting for life to happen to me. I would cry out to God and ask Him to bring things to me... what I was failing to do is get out there and discover things that could be potential doors He was opening! Then I became angry enough at myself and at my current situation, I knew I had to do something and though I had asked the Lord many times to remove the hurt and the thorns I was still feeling, I couldn't feel any relief... then I felt Him encouraging me to take a leap of faith and DO something myself, and He would help me with the rest. It wasn't easy, but that's when my life took a turn: I went from REACTIVE to my past and current situations to PROACTIVE. I decided what I wanted and went for it.

That's when I learned something. Sometimes the answer is just a matter of getting up from the spot you're in and just moving a few feet away from it, figuratively. Many times, we beg God to take care of our problems for us. While we can still ask Him for His help (and that we should absolutely do), sometimes He wants us to take a step on our own. It's a leap of faith so we can trust Him for what He can do. The beauty in this is He made us as individuals with choices to find our paths and I believe He likes to see us use the gifts He's given to us to take care of ourselves. It's a matter of responsibility and constructive behavior. If we stay stuck in the mud, we can hurt ourselves even more. Here is what I read recently in an email I receive once a day called "The Daily Verse":

"No one sews a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the patch tears away from it, the new from the old, and a worse tear is made." ~Mark 2:21
Sometimes you just have to let go of yesterday and focus on today and what's ahead. If you're trying to make the patterns of the past work with the present, consider that incorporating new material might require new methodology so that you don't do substantial damage.

My point exactly. Don't settle, and no rear-view mirrors to keep you stuck, please. And strategy in life is key. Ask Him to help you with strategy in your life's direction. Where do you want to go and how do you get there? Now let's go out there and create our lives. :)

A Scare in Nashville and Illusion In Fort Walton

A phone call or text can change things fast. I was on a mini vacation visiting my aunt and uncle with my friend Sherri, hanging out on the lake when I got bad news by text: my friend Auny Gill had been put in the hospital because she kept passing out and needed a blood transfusion. I can remember thinking, "What?! Auny?" Suddenly, I became very scared. I began praying for her.... As I was asked to pray, I was also asked something else: if I was available to travel as an illusionist's assistant for the next two weeks.

Let me explain. Auny was put in the hospital the same weekend she and her husband and my friend Brock Gill were supposed to leave for Fort Walton. Brock is a Christian illusionist and Auny is his stage assistant. Each year, they perform at SuperWOW in Fort Walton, and they were getting ready to leave when Auny became really sick. Brock and John (Brock's road manager) asked me if I was available to travel to help on stage and off for a couple weeks, and I quickly got on the phone with my director at Tennessee Dance Arts Conservatory. I told her the emergency, and my director Megan, being as cool as she is, let me take two weeks off teaching to help my friends out. I hopped in the car and drove home quickly to prepare for the trip... Brock, John, and I hit the road to Florida the next day, and it felt so weird leaving Auny behind.

So within 24 hours, I was helping in illusion, which as much as I love magic, I couldn't complain... plus it was on the beach.... but I was just worried about my friend Auny back in Nashville. A few days later, our friends Jacob and Kayla came down and brought Auny, who'd been released from the hospital after the transfusion and testing. Now that she was with us, we felt a great relief, and she was able to rest and regain strength. She found out she was anemic and needed iron in her body. We went to get red meat often, which meant several trips to McGuire's, an amazing Irish Pub with the world's most amazing burgers (and I'm pretty picky about burgers)... Within a few days, she was doing so much better, thankfully.

I love illusion, and absolutely loved working with them. They are amazing people, and there is something about the mystery of magic that sparks the imagination, and it was cool learning from friends while in Florida! It began with a scare, but I feel like the Lord taught me some valuable lessons those two weeks. What is even better, the other day Auny told me her iron levels are miraculously normal now.

Something else interesting about being in Fort Walton during this time was the oil crisis of 2010 was happening while we were there. We hit the beach nearly every day during our off time... we saw some oil "droplets", if you will, but nothing drastic in Fort Walton and Destin. We got lucky, I suppose, and crews would clean up the oil that was washed ashore at night so we could still enjoy the beaches during the day.

Below are a few pictures from the trip.

Us at Marina Cafe

 

Us taking chill time at the bridge

Me and Auny at Crab Island on the weekend

Ok. Here John was picking on me and I was trying to keep him in check. Brock and Auny call us brother and sister.

Me getting ready to go on stage to do an illusion with Brock... I didn't look like this exactly. I had a red wig on over all this.

At McGuire's, Jacob was required to kiss the moose for his birthday.

Brock presenting magic for some fans.

One night, this insane storm came up. We pulled on the side of the road to watch. Here Brock, Auny, and John look on at the swirling clouds.

Brock speaking at SuperWOW

We ate watermelon on the beach on our last day.

Continuation of Post-Flood 2010

(Devastation in a neighborhood in Nashville)

(Flooded home)

(Loading docks at Opryland Hotel)

(Woman looks out over the flood waters...)

There is so much to do in this community... It is so heartbreaking seeing my people hurting. This is where I grew up. This is where I played. These are my roots. So many lives have been touched by this... Jobs lost, houses lost, families hurt... parts of history have been damaged. However, the beautiful thing is seeing others coming together and helping each other in this tragedy. There is a sense of unity that is stronger now than it was before. If you want to help or find ways to get involved, visit:



Flood Relief Art Show
http://eastnashvilleblog.com/2010/05/04/nashville-flood-relief-art-show-this-weekend/


Hands On Nashvile
http://www.hon.org/HomePage/index.php/home.html


Links: So Nashville Is Flooded---How Can I Help?
http://nashvillest.com/2010/05/03/so-nashville-is-flooded-how-can-i-help/


Nashville Flood Relief T-Shirts
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nashville-Flood-Relief-T-shirts/124043770942805

The Post-Flood Zone

Ever been in those situations where you are completely in the moment, caught up in what is happening, then when the sun sets and the day is done you think,

"That was exactly what I needed to do today.... And that was exactly the right place to be,"?

It has been like that in this post-flood cleanup these past few days. For example, today Sherri and I ran at the into Franklin in response to a church post giving the addresses of a few people calling for help. I felt we ended up being just where we needed to be. We ended up at at an older couple's home, and we worked a lot with the woman who was absolutely precious. I was humbled by her gentle spirit and her joyful smile.
My house was not damaged by the flood (which was a miracle considering I live in a valley and next to a creek), but meeting people like her makes me determined that if my house ever had damage like so many people are facing, I would need to be like her... still smiling and carrying on with life. It was evident she was tired, but that did not stop her from being positive. I learned something from Miss Elaine today.

I have also learned a lot from my grandparents and uncle through this... They are fighters. Their house got flooded close by Pinkerton Park, and a boat came to pick up my grandmother in the middle of the night during the flood. My grandfather wanted to stay at the house and as much as people tried to get him to leave, he insisted on staying in the attic with my uncle to stay away from the flood waters in the house. Helping them clean their house after the water left, I realized how much of survivors they are. A storm came their way and they rose to it. I am humbled by that in them and I have taken mental notes during the past few days. I love you, Nana, Paw Paw, and Tracy...

Flood of 2010!

It began on May 2, 2010... Rain fell hard on Middle Tennessee and kept falling. By May 3, Nashville was declared a State of Emergency. Lives have been taken, and homes have been damaged or lost. It is a disaster. The photo above is a look at down Nashville next to the river...

              Here are more photos found from flickr of Nashville.

These next photos are from the Tennesseean covering all areas the flood touched. Destruction is the word...

(a park in Franklin where I played as a child)

(Two teens clinging to their car in raging waters, wating to be rescued.)

                                     (A street in Franklin...)

(Elderly woman being rescued from her West Nashville home)

It will take a while to bring this disaster to an end. Many have suffered losses. We will have to fight to bring our communities back to the ability to function normally again. We will have to stand up for each other in these times and help out our neighbors, family, friends, and strangers. We're all in this together, and together we will stand. I just pray that this will cause us all to look up to the King and stand up for Him while we stand together.

Moments With God

~Rain is so cleansing... It's a beginning. A healing. A fresh wash of gentleness exploding into dynamic song.~

At 6:30 this morning... Sitting on my front porch watching the sun rise through the freshly-rained-on glistening trees, I asked God for peace over my life like I have time and time again. Then, a pang of guilt hit my gut, followed by a feeling of perspective and responsibility... I should be more grateful for what I have, rest in it, then give it away.

It goes like this... So many times I ask God for peace over my life, then it hit me that I have an overflow of peace that He has given me, and compared to many stories and paths people walk through, I have an over-flow of this peace. It hit me that I've put much effort in praying for peace in my life and have received much, so now I must put much effort in praying for peace over the lives of others. When God gives an abundance, there is responsibility to also give from that over-flow, like fresh water being poured from a pitcher so more can drink.

Perspective: the deep, heart-felt recognition that there is so much more past my world. I want to give. I want to live fully, with the full perspective. Peace be on your life, whoever reads this.

Ache and Social Injustice

(photo found from a website online)

My hurt aches for injustices that exist in our world... Lately I have been doing more studying about the cruelty of human trafficking and how much of a problem it is in America. (Yes, our own country.) Sunday night I watched Human Trafficking, a 3 hour long movie that takes you into what is reality to many thousands and thousands who are trafficked... Man, did that hurt.

The cold hard truth is that I can't imagine having everything taken away like these people experience. They are real people, not just a sad face in a picture or commercial. Statistics show human trafficking is the fastest-growing criminal industry in the world... There is an extremely large number of victims being trafficked every year. Many are unaware this is happening or simply do not know much about it. But it happens, and it happens in the world around us. How long will this continue to worsen? It breaks my heart.

A Look Into The Landscape Of Israel

A Peek Into Israeli Culture

I tried to capture bits and pieces of what Israeli culture looks like while I was over there this past fall...

Hungry

It's a funny thing when we just can't get enough of what we want. For example, I've eaten my share today and now look at me, sitting here at my computer fighting the urge to go rip open some pure dark chocolate amazingness that's sitting in the next room... Under usual circumstances I'd go ahead and go for it, except I've already had too much chocolate today. Epic misery.

Moving on... The thing that gets really interesting is when the soul can't get enough to eat. That deep soul hunger, searching for more. More. More. Is it ever fully satisfied? As much as we search and take in, does that "I'm-still-not-full" feeling ever end? It won't, at least not in life as we know it here below.

I am so hungry for more of the essence of the Bread of Life and wisdom. I long to find those magical glasses to place over my eyes to see things more in the way He does. How much more colorful would life look then? How much more simple and complex? I long to see the pages of wisdom and understanding fully revealed. While I'm here, it's a process of growing and searching that leads to more... Which is frustrating at times when I know I can only see part of the galaxy when He holds the full macrocosm in His hands. When I think I'm getting closer to knowing more, I open my eyes and see how little I really know. Sometimes I am struck at how small I am, and it hits me on the head. Humility hits, then wonder. Awe.

I love the journey of searching and becoming. In the search to know more, there is peace that while I see in the mirror dimly, one day soon I shall see face to face. Now... I'm thinking I'm going to give in to that chocolate calling my name in the next room. Later.

Poetry: A Fake Author's Perspective of Control

A poem I wrote about what can happen
when we play the Author of our lives.

“Surrender”

I had displayed a fancy smile for all to see,
Flashed a bright lie like a red marquee.
I had controlled the pages of my own story,
Then shed tears when it controlled me.

Iron grip wrapped around my pen and my pain,
Flashes of lightening in my heart again.
I wanted life with no one but me to blame,
But I trod down a path of resentment and shame.

But as the pen fell from my ice cold hand,
My broken pride fell like rapid quick sand.
Time for pride to fall and surrender to stand,
And not expect life to go as I had planned.

Then I watched words I had written fade,
Disappear from the storyline I had made.
I threw off a character I had miserably played,
An Author of Life was what I had portrayed.

Then a Hand wrapped around the pen tight,
And began to write new things in my sight.
I was no author, and surrendered the fight,
As the true Author took over in all might.

Pressure Points and Delete Buttons

Sometimes when we go through life, we "rediscover" things from our past. We're moving right along, then a memory triggers a pressure point in the emotional mind or we run into that person that cut your heart into pieces. You get the idea.

This is where we make a choice. What do we do when those pressure points come?

You know what hurts? It's when the time comes to deal with those pressure points dead on. Somehow, even when we try to hide from them or outrun them, they find a way to catch up with us, and we're forced to choose to deal with them or keep running from them. Sometimes, we even store the hurt in the deep places, but refuse to deal with it out in the open.

I will use a personal example. I just found an old copy of a long message that had been stored in my computer that was sent to someone in response to a hurtful encounter (an encounter that turned into a painful time of my life at that time). I had kept it, just because... maybe I thought someday I would need it to defend my cause. Maybe I thought I needed it just lying around. Whatever the reason, I knew one thing when I found it tonight after it's been sitting there all this time. It did not need to be in my possession anymore. I feel like that hurt was wiped away long ago, and I needed to get rid of the rest of it. I did not need a written account of that old hurt, so delete was a good button to push.

I know when I have asked God to heal me of past hurts, I know He has wrapped His arms around me... but when it comes down to cleaning up the mess the situations have caused, He helps, but sometimes He nudges me to make the first move. The delete button. And you know what was cool about deleting that old copy of hurt? It felt so good to get rid of it! Erased. Gone. Nada. Not that the hurt didn't happen, but I had erased the file that was stored. The written account was no longer in existence. It just made me realize if we put more effort into getting rid of the extra files that we store in our life computers, we would stop storing those things away and start dealing with hurts dead on. The cool part about deleting unwanted files in a computer is the obvious: it frees up more room in the computer's hard drive. Humans are very much so like this, too. Sometimes, we need to clean up the unwanted to leave more room for the new things the Lord is doing.

So when it comes to those stored files on our life computers that represent hurt, baggage, and bonds that keep us from being completely set free... Keep them, or hit delete?

"When God Says No"...

That was the topic of last Sunday's message at church. What do we do when God's answer to our prayers is no? Do we give up on Him? Do we give up on praying? Do we base our faith on our circumstances?

We all can relate to what seems like unanswered prayers. It hurts. It bends us in a way we don't like to be bent. I know what I've asked God for many times has not come through. The answer was no, and in some of those circumstances I see the reason why. I know if the answer was yes from God, I would have gotten hurt or my life would look very different now... For that reason, I am so thankful He answered no to my prayers... But some things that He's said no to I still don't see the reason behind. Maybe I will someday, maybe not. But I know I can rest in that. I had a conversation with a friend this week about Hebrews 6:19. "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil..."

So no matter what the answer is to our prayers, one thing never changes: we have an anchor in Him, a steady hope that we can cling to even in our hurts and uncertainties. I desperately need that anchor.

Not So Tame...

I have always been drawn to lions. I have always loved their strength and the depth that is in their eyes. They are leaders.

The following picture reflects my soul. Even as a child, I was fascinated with the concept of peacefully living on the edge. This photo also reminds me of my relationship with my King, my God who is the Lion of Judah. In the picture, the woman looks so peaceful and at ease with the lion. A risky scenario, but she knows she is safe. It reminds me of how as followers of Christ we are so often called to step out of our comfort zones to follow where He is taking us. It may be risky sometimes, but we know that He works all for the good of those who love Him. He is a powerful, untamed Lion, but He is loving and we can rest in Him.